Tired... not coz of work... but coz of my stupid computer. Keep spoiling. Gotta go buy the monitor cable soon as I have free time. Actually have alot of free time coz I working at night mah, but now my day time is spent sleeping. Now using my sis' computer.

Later still got work. Spending the countdown at workplace, without my handphone. So those of u who read this before new yr, dun need to wish me k. Happy New Year in advance & may the new year be a better one~

Flu...sneeze sneeze sniff sniff...

Working on a new blog layout... hope it doesn't turn out too bad...

Road to Perdition is a really nice book. Or movie. =) So sad... and so touching...

I just woke up. But I'm so tired I could sleep forever.

1st night of working was disastrous. That's all I can say. 3 months. 3 months' the limit. Or I'll look like an old hag even before I'm old enough to be one.

Should have listened to my parents. They always have the better foresight while I have the stubborn, want-things-my-own-way-and-den-regret-it attitude. Well, I got myself into this shit, I'm gonna have to fight on and fight to the end.

And I'm sick. But I'll get well. Active recovery. I can do it! Jia you!

The real challenge comes on Saturday & Sunday, when I have to do without sleep after capoeira classes. And when my elder sis leaves for Medan and I have to take on the 3 monsters at tuition, and den rush down to work.

Time for some peace...

I think I'm a really unfeeling, insensitive, self-centred creep. All I think about is myself, myself and myself. I happy can already, hell to others around me.

I was having so much fun yesterday, it never did dawn on me that Mulata was still upset. I only thought of myself learning the songs, keeping her happy when actually she was still so sad.
I could never be close enough to any of my friends to be able to share their woes...

And then I got myself into graveyard shift coz I didn't want my work to clash with any of my daytime activities, and coz I'm more awake at night than in the day, and I was so insistent on going on night shift I never considered what inconvenience it would cause for the family. I never considered how my aunt was going to survive the next 3-6months spending the nights alone, the risks of her falling down and no one to be around to help her. I never considered how my dad would worry for me and my biological clock. Never considered how my mother would cope having to wake up early, yet have to wake up in between her sleep to check on my aunt. I never thought my aunt was actually so dependant on me.

No wonder each time I close my eyes to sleep today, I keep having nightmares...

Stupid computer. Had to restart it more than 10 times even before I started doing anything.

Tonight's gonna be my 1st attempt at a job that I searched for myself, under my own boss. Just now in the morning went down for orientation. The whole place like air-conditioned, quite disappointed larh. Was expecting to get dirty in factory. Den again, silly me, factory is not warehouse, warehouse is not factory. +_+

This face 0______o"' is keeeeeewt!

Got my letter from the Singapore Association for the Deaf a few days ago. My application for the sign language course is approved! Yippie! 6 & 13th Jan. 7-10pm. After that take taxi down to workplace loh. Hope don't have to work OT on those 2 days.

Capoeira class yesterday quite fun. Did this queixada then jump move, Melissa said it's parafuso, Devina said it's queixada martelo. Must kick high high, but now I still doing it very low. Den sequence got this rasteira dat needed us to like jump into position. Still dun get it. Must practise more! Fun fun fun!

After class yesterday went Clementi wif Devina. Den we were singing capoeira songs in the open. She was playing the pandeiro most of the time coz I couldn't complete a song without going out of tune. At the end of the day, I earned myself a new nick, brincadeira. O well... had so much fun. Never sang so much in my life. Always wanted to just sing my heart out but was always too irritated by my voice that wasn't meant for singing, and last night was the 1st time someone didn't stop me from trying to sing. Thank you so much Mulata~ So very happy loh...

Cinpatuca is juz the sweetest, most appreciative gal. Simpatia too. Azeitona sounds like one of those off-the-hook nicks. And it had to be mine. Everytime I think of what it stands for reminds me of one of my unpleasant past incidents...

K.. me gonna go catch some snooze otherwise I'll fall asleep at work tonight.

Yeh the day has finally come to an end. And I'm sleepy. Hugging my LandRover Safari bear, can go to sleep any moment.

Morning woke up, mother returned home from market already. Made pressies, killed n cleaned the crabs in an hour. Mother cooked them in the end. Went to buy bells n keyrings. (Art friend got greater variety.) went for capoeira class, went home, brought the crabs down to Hougang MRT for the ODAC gathering.

Class today was a little different, did more difficult moves. Even had to try Au with one hand on the floor. wth?! I can't even Au with BOTH HANDS on the floor! And we're learning rasteiras! Mestre brought very nice cd to class. I like songs that sound like tribal origins. Well... gotta push myself more in class in future.

The gathering almost became one of the events I wished I never went for. Then again, almost. Thank the Lord that he didn't let it happen. Though things could have been better, I'm glad it ended the way it did. Today, I wanna be thankful that I got to know Eleanor. And that my conscience is stronger than the things I love most. And Violet, Kenneth is really a very nice person.

Violet's crazy over xsg. I'm happy enough to be able to see Zali smile and watch him perform once again.

Things to get done:
1) 2mr go for class at 2.30pm coz mestre teaching me the moves that I missed out on.
2) Mark tuition books

Sorry to Dez for the misunderstanding.

Had Eleanor's piggy and Bon Jovi's Livin' On A Prayer for company on the quiet walk home. Just wat I needed after such a long day. Some peace to myself, wind blowing in my hair. Beautiful memories.

"Have a good day. Count your blessings."

"We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot
We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer
We've got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it's all that you've got
We're half way there
Livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear
Livin' on a prayer "

2mr's programme :

Morning wake up go market buy 5 crabs. Go home, prepare the sauce, kill the crabs(must remember to detach the pincers), wash the crabs, cook the crabs, go Sagacity buy keyrings and bells, go for capoeira class (must remember my corda!), go home, bring the crabs down to Hougang MRT by 6pm.

Went for interview at a factory with Violet. Dat place happened to be my sis' boyfriend's workplace. If I get the job, then it's goodbye to pubbing at night.

Xmas day stuff :

Woke up in the morning. Merry Xmas! Wrapped pressies. Cleaned my room a little. Den helped out in the kitchen. Den Angeline & Siewmen came. Den we ate, den went my room see videos. Den went my parents room for them to experiment with my hair coz the last time at the workplace we didn't have rubber bands to tie the plaits down. Then uncle bryan's 2 yr old daughter came in and started playing with the stuff she finds around the room. Took me quite some time to finally get her to talk with me. Haha, but then she started playing with my mother's collection of erasers, opening them up and stuff, and Siewmen, Angeline and I had to clear up the mess for her. Then it was time for them to leave and Edwin came over. Had food, drinks, (tequila shot), den stayed in mi room for quite some time surfing around on the comp. It started raining really heavily, so I waited until around 7+ before I left the house to go to Shouhua's place. But when I reached there, shouhua left the house already so I went, gave her mum the food I brought from home, ate there (they had party oso), den watched tv. Den before I left, Shouhua's mother gave me this present and this bag of stuff to choose one thing from. I took this winnie the pooh ball like thingy and then left the place. It's so cute loh, and so sweet of her parents. I was like playing with the ball all the way home. Reached home, helped my mother wash up the kitchen (my dad and sis KO-ed on the bean bags so we got them to bed.), then now everyone sleep liao I still awake blogging.

K.. I bought him another expensive gift. Bought Angeline, Siewmen & Shouhua really cheap stuff, feel so bad abt it... but yah bought him another expensive stuff. The last expensive stuff I got him cost abt $60 and this time's was more ex. But it's for xmas and his birthday nxt year lah so still quite ok. Considering the stuff he used to give me years back, this one is nothing loh. It's this collectible Gandalf (is dat the spelling? I didn't watch LOTR) sword (small one), looks quite nice lah. Though I'm still doubtful about whether he likes it, still feel happy abt it though my little sis kept saying he's not worth it. My elder sis was asking me what he got me and I said he didn't. I'm such a nice friend right? (not to mention stupid and think I very rich) But he's been an even better friend always having to bear with my shit. So if you're reading this, you're worth the present k? It doesn't matter dat you didn't get me anything, coz dat's how I like it. Juz remember that it's also for your birthday so dun hope for another birthday present from me next year. =P

Poof* Merry Christmas everyone! it's been such a long day. Eventful 2 days. I still smile ever so pleasantly whenever I think about what happened last night... *glees*

Well...went shopping with my little sis (who's finally back from Laos). We bought close to $300 worth of stuff, and I now owe her $79. & that's excluding her present.

Den went home and went Oceanstar with my dad. On the way there, my dad said he saw these 3 hunky gays on the train (but he never tell me!), who went to the gay pub next to Oceanstar! So the 3 of us went into the gay pub but we didn't see the 3 gays anymore. =( Anyway the guy who served us oso quite cute, haha.. *_* Well back at Oceanstar, they had these 3 guys playing pop, reggae, anything but rock. Den my sister went home, uncle KC came over, and I was feeling kinda bored, plus the black label n soda, sleepy. Then my dad told me that a rock band who used to play at Sunset Jive is coming down for the 3rd set. Yippie! So I was just sitting around, drinking, waiting for the 2nd set to end and the 3rd set to start.
Then the players from the rock band came, and I was still drinking, waiting for them to get started, when my dad suddenly pulled me from my seat to the stage telling me to see who the drummer of the band is. And I was like @#%huh?! till the drummer turned around and I saw his face and I was like *stoned* den *exclaims* ZALI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yuppiez, Zali is the ex-drummer from Ree-Ha. And I was kinda the closest to him, coz he's the only one of the 4 of them to say hi to me everytime I enter the pub since I first went there 2 years ago. The only one to talk to me, ask me how I am whenever he sees me, ask me for the songs I want to hear. Like a big bro lidat. Then he had long hair, was always in the leather hat and vest, looks really cool. And he's a percussionist, so my idol!! So when he left Ree-Ha I told my dad I dun wanna listen to the band already so for a long time I didn't go to the pub. But yesterday xmas eve so I went down even though Ree-Ha wasn't playing there, and got such a pleasant surprise coz Zali was there and he recognised me! Haha, I cut my hair but he's now botak! But he still looks great! We like wished each other Merry Xmas and he asked me how I was and as usual I said ok, but I was all smiles and excitement just knowing he's there!! I became like sprung to life from dreamland. Then he came over to the table and we all stood up for a toast. Yippiez, my 1st whisky with him! Ok but they only played 1 of the 2 songs I requested. But they ended with Black Knight, which was good enough for me. Seeing Zali behind the drums was good enough for me! Then the 3rd set ended, and I finished my drink, so I went to sit in the couch hugging the cushions and waited for my dad to finish his. And Zali came over and gave me a pat on my head! (Oh my god just kill me man so that moment would be the last thing I would feel in my life.) Then Rosli (another member of Ree-Ha) showed up and I like tapped him and he was like "eh hi!". And I told my dad that Rosli came and they started talking so I went back to the couch. Then my dad finally finished and we wished the peeps there Merry Xmas (but I only shook the staff and Zali's hands=P and thanked him for the songs.) Then we had to wait abt 20 mins for uncle ray to come drive us home, so uncle kc treated us to another jug of beer, though I could only down another mug. Uncle KC was kinda drunk so we sent him home 1st, den mi dad n I went home. Man I drank so much I was red to the neck. And so I went to sleep immediately.

Violet, when you return, we go interview for the factory job at AMK k? Yes I'm still jobless. And all the jobs I called today wanted either at least 6 months of commitment, or only males, or that they're jobs in Ang Mo Kio, Bedok or Jurong. Someone lend me their home to stay over for the next 3 months can...? And I can't help it if I can't do sales right? I like working in places like warehouses, carrying stuff around, getting dirty. You want me to stand around, smile, speak politely, act ladylike, I'd rather you kill me. K yes I'm a girl, but not all girls are weaklings right? I may be short & fat but I can carry Mulata ok! =P Haha.. ok job search resumes tomorrow.

KWSH called this morning, asked me if I can go down to help out. Actually felt very tempted to, coz today got shuai ge volunteer. But cannot. My sore throat has developed into a cough (which is already better to the fever I could get), so didn't go in case I infect the ah mahs & ah gongs there. So I spent the day at home learning to cook my mother's legendary chilli crabs!

Yup, woke up early in the morning go market with my mother, and buy the crabbies. Then went home, sleep, wake up, peel garlic, blend the ingredients, kill the crabs MYSELF (yup it's been years since I last killed crabs. Anyway took videos of the process so if u really jia4 ba4 bo3 tai3 ji3 can ask me for them. Dun worry, dun have my face one, only my hands at work. Haha.!), den cleaned the crabs MYSELF, den cooked the crabs with a little help from me mother. Then voala! Chilli crabs are ready! My mother said I passed lah, so yeh can cook for the ODAC gathering on Saturday! But horh, I advise those eating to bring some charcoal pills just to play safe lah horh.

Hehe..maybe someday, if I get good enough at cooking, I can cook chilli crabs for my beloved no.2 idol Wang Renfu~ *fantasizes*

I could take up cooking as a hobby. Still got my mother's pepper crab, tulang, dhalcha and pineapple assam fish to learn. If I can't find a job, I could go ask if anywhere wants students as part-time cleaners, then I can take up cooking lessons from my mother.

Tara's coming home today! Haha.. realised I stopped counting down the days to her return so long ago...

Just returned home from bbq at Mestre's. Ok I admit, half the time I wished I was home. Felt really terrible after the roda at taka. I already have a chorda around my waist yet I was so horrible. Really must train harder. Otherwise when he test us again in February and I cannot pass, my corda will go back to him.

K lah..just some afterthoughts.
Really happy whenever there are people confiding in me, like telling me so many things that I have no reason to know coz I dun really know the person well, despite knowing that half the time I'm just lending a listening ear, and that I have no solutions to the problems and I can't say anything to make the person feel better.
Julia's going to Vancouver. And she lent me her pandeiro to practise on while she's away! So sweet of her can... I'm so very touched. Like nobody's been so nice to me before, and trusted me so much loh.. so I must never ever let anything happen to her pandeiro!
Finally learnt the Meu camara da song! Kept singing it to myself on the way home (there was this dark quiet lane to pass where there was no one else so not scared paiseh!) to make sure I remember it. Then was still singing it in the bathroom. Haha.. yah you know u're capoeira crazy when...
Guess another of my friends will be leaving me soon. Know her tough time's not over yet, but now we'll just be aquaintances, like my other once close friends. =)

Tired. Gonna go sleep soon. guess I'm not going to find a job until after x'mas. I didn't get the job. As expected. Oso good lah. More time to finish some unfinished business.

Raining shit outside. Been raining like the whole day. Good day to be home eh? Wish I'm home. Today...really wish I'm home. Dun like to be out after a walk in the rain. My joints are killing me as I bury the pain in silence. I need my meditation (no NOT MEDICATION). I need my space. Maybe just tonight. Cannot stand it when guys shelter me from the rain. I like walking in the rain. Walking under an umbrella is retarded. ?!%#$@ That's why I got so %$#@ whenever I have to walk anywhere with an umbrella over my head.

Let's see, Saiful, Faiz, Fazli, Weiwei and Anis saw the me outside of capoeira class today. Yes the quiet, dun like to talk, always out of sorts, me. Hate this multiple personality. I don't know who's the real me. Just know that I'm most at peace when I'm alone. When I was at Wheelock Place with the others today, suddenly had this vision that the place was empty, and I was alone, and I was at peace. I dun like crowds, dun like being expected to talk among people I don't talk alot to. Especially today, after batizado, when reality starts crashing in on me, I wanna be alone. Still, didn't feel offended or angry when Saiful & Fazli started saying things about me being so quiet. I really must thank Violet, really, coz without her, I would have just stormed my way home, regardless of whether anyone minded or not, regardless of whether I would foil our after batizado plans or not. Coz before I met you, Violet, I was someone who cannot accept negative comments without losing my temper.

Ok, if you don't know capoeira, the following paragraphs would probby be alien to u.
Eventful day today, Batizado. Yep, the day that I had so dreaded, the things I had so feared, the event I was so unprepared for. Few minutes before class, I was rushing into learning the moves I missed when I didn't attend class last Saturday. During the sequence I was so totally dependant on Devina (yes girl, wouldn't have made it without you.thank you so much). Then roda, den came the one where mestre had to make me fall. I kinda like threw him out when he brought me down the 1st time so not counted (how was I to know I wasn't supposed to do that? I was so super blur the whole time u noe...didn't know what was going on all the time..), so had second time, then he made me fall. Wasn't expecting it to be dat painless actually. Guess mestre did help me break my fall a little. Melissa was just great.. was wondering if I wouldn't be getting my corda coz I'm so lousy compared to her. Oh we sang great today. I was in the mood after my turn. Sang at the top of my voice, my sympathies to the people beside me. But everyone were singing at the top of their voices from the bottom of their hearts. It was beautiful, unlike anything I've ever felt.
Ok, den I had to have a man put on my corda for me. So I was like choosing between Faiz & Joe. Would have chosen Joe coz my daddy mah, den when I 1st joined capoeira, Melissa & him were a great help and encouragement to me. Wouldn't have made it this far without them. But Joe was to put it on for Melissa, so I asked Faiz. Wah the great thinker put on corda for me leh! You know Farhan, I would have asked you to put on the corda for me if you were around, coz without you, I wouldn't even be there, learning capoeira, and being one step closer to fulfiling this once impossible dream of mine(yes I keep repeating it coz it really means so much to me.) Although I feel that I really don't deserve the corda, I was like hugging the girls who went through the batizado with me today. All of you were such great help to me. And I gave Mestre one long hug. Thank you mestre, thank you so much. Thank you for not giving up on me despite being such a hopeless student when I first joined.
Yes, feelings today were totally different from the feelings I get when I reach the summits of the mountains I've been to. This journey has been such a tough one for me. One of mental and physical struggles. Also, coz I never wanted to climb mountains, only wanted to go backpacking with my dad. But I wanted to learn a form of martial art or dance very very very much, and now I have the chance. But the journey's only just begun, now that I got my corda. It's gonna get tougher..and tougher..and tougher... and 5% of me will keep on struggling.
Oh I didn't get any videos of myself coz my cam had to run out of batt at that time. All the better, coz I dun like being caught on cam. Dun haf to remember how terrible I looked then. =X
Okie.. after class.. raining... wanted to take a taxi down to Wheelock Place from Substation to help mestre with his class at Robin Leong's dunno wat studio lah. Shared a cab with Devina, but there was this damned traffic jam and the meter was like already $7.60 and we were still outside the national llibrary, so we paid and got out, walked in the rain (so my joints are like hurting now), den took train down and reached the place in like 10mins?! Weiwei was there. We got changed and got to helping out. K training with corda for the 1st time and I tripped on it! %*#@?! There were these 2 little girls who totally enjoyed cartwheels. Felt so paiseh. K but class there wasn't too bad. Then went to eat, then here I am where I am not home.

Okay, here where I am, I have my own space for quite some time liao larh. Dun feel as bad as I was before liao larh.

Tired. Pain. Blister. Finally. *plonk*

3.30am. Finally going to sleep...

Dark Rings!

Friday's stuff:
KWSH was dumb initially. Had to blow balloons which are like super lousy quality. Burst a few and got complains from the ahmahs. Harloo..it's a DAY CARE CENTRE. Don't get us to blow balloons there can coz chances of such lousy balloons bursting are high loh. Oh yah, the security guy today just gave me the sticker to enter even without me saying a single word. The first few trips he was still looking at me with doubt, the day before he started taking the sticker out when he saw me entering but gave to me only after I said I'm a volunteer there. Oh den later do the pamplets thingy, did a whole stack of them wrongly and had to remove the staples and do over again. Super out of sorts sia... Hmm.. did weeding in the garden today. Today got sister-of-Yang Guifei ah mah, very adorable Hakka. Got money many many ah mah, and quiet ah mah, all 3 sit 2gether, and I had one of the most fun conversation in hokkien with them. Okok...I was struggling between Hokkien and Chinese but it was fun. Sister-of-Yang Guifei ah mah is so cute!! If she were a little fleshy I would so much want to pinch her cheeks! K lah..dat's abt it. Mdm Ho still not around, if she around KWSH would have been much more fun.

Fell asleep watching SWAT. Too tired le, not the show not nice. Woke up, den reluctantly went to give tuition. Reached there, the girl's mother was like telling me to be more firm with her blablabla, I just smiled den show my black face again. But surprisingly, the girl today very quiet. Must be just kena scolded by her mother. Managed to let her do some work, so since she surprisingly quiet and hardworking today, gave her less hw. Maybe a little too little, but heck larh. =P Still, that doesn't mean I'm ok with teaching now. I'm still considering giving up tuition at the end of the month. I still hate myself for becoming a tutor, and I hate all teachers. Well, except one. My Chinese teacher in sec 3 & 4,Mdm Loh Quee Yah. Yup, hate all others, and if you are a teacher or soon to become a teacher, don't blame me for hating you as well. =P

Dark rings!

Mother woke up. Got the stuff from the store liao. Can start working on it le. Haai. Now I miss my sis. Fixing up the tree used to be an event my sis and I used to look forward to when we were still shorter than the tree. We had a 6 ft tree then. We would over-decorate the tree than take some off and play with the streamers. We gave the ornaments names and once we drew faces on the balls. Then we got quite bored of it, den my parents had to force us to set up the xmas tree for them. A couple of years my mother had to do it herself. Now I do it alone in the middle of the night. Well... kinda what I like, peace & solitude. But I miss ya sis. I tried not to miss you so u won't miss me, but I miss you now. I won't miss u tomorrow k. I promise.

Time now is 1.20am. Still awake alone setting up the xmas tree. Bon Jovi's This Left Feels Right on the hi-fi. Nice songs for the mood. Mother got me to set up the tree 2hrs ago but I wanted to finish Homerun 1st (bought it yesterday), so when I finally got started everyone's asleep. And I realised she didn't have the accessories out of the store, neither did she tell me where to look for them. Parents locked their room door so can't ask them. Can only hope her toilet break's earlier so I can ask her and finish it before I head off to bed.

Boring day at KWSH today, or yesterday. Nth worth remembering, except maybe fa cai ah gong offer me biscuits. Such a sweetie... Well, think I'll be late again tomorrow. *bows head & sigh*

Went out wif my mother earlier in the evening, yesterday. As usual, started talking about the family and stuff. Coz I kept bugging her abt her hand, we started talking abt when I was young, the accidents I got into. There was one where my dad poured boiling water on me, and my mother told me he felt very guilty for a very long time though I was the one who walked into him when he was carrying the kettle of water. Then we talked abt that incident last month when my dad and I quarrelled and came to a conclusion that I was the one at fault. Must cut off this acid tongue of mine, forever hurting people's feelings one. Then started talking abt my sisters. Life's the same without them at home. Feel abit bad loh, especially towards my younger sis. My mother said whenever I went for expeditions she will keep asking when I'll return home. Now she's overseas so far away for so long a period and I didn't keep track of the date of her return. Only realised that she's coming home soon when my mother brought it up.
Then my mother started talking abt my elder sis & her boyfriend. And blablabla say got boyfriend sure got this problem dat problem. Den I asked her, how'll she feel if one day I bring home a sissy boyfriend? But we reached home oredi so guess she didn't answer e question. Haiyah she knows I've no intention of getting attached lah, after wat I've seen happening to my elder sis.
Things I gotta do in the next few days:
1) didi's chalet at costa sands 18/12 (most likely not going, dun like chalets & dun like being odd one out, kinda e reasons why I didn't go for rbl chalet.)
2) Must remember to collect my money for batizado. Staying over at Devina's on Sat. Cannot go Oceanstar with dad.
3) BBQ at Mestre's. BBQ with Corinna. Both on Sunday. Going for Mestre's coz paid oredi. Not very close to both groups actually.
4) Find a new job.
5) Organise belated bdae celebration when sis returns.

Ok... I still hate being a tuition teacher. Today the girl kept asking me and I dunno how to do, 4got how to do. I dunno how to teach lah. & I missed capoeira class becoz of this shit.

2mr going back to help out at KWSH. Won't know if I got the job till 2-3 days later. Eh Violet, if u dun mind, if I dun get this job den I go wif u for the one at AMK. I dun tink it takes more than 1/2 hr to get there.

Dun tink I going for rbl chalet le.

6 days to Tara's return from Laos.

Went for my 1st job interview today. Luckily it's 3 ppl getting interviewed together. Quite shit lah. Schedule's quite hectic but pay's quite good. Dunno whether I hope I get the job not leh, got pros & cons lah... Later going tuition again...

Ok this was supposed to be typed yesterday but I clicked Post & Publish a little too late. Tuesday's news k...:

Great day at KWSH today! Got shuai4 ge1 volunteer today! *bEeEEeg gRinZ* Wahaha... anyway today's ball game was so fun. See the ah gongs & ah mahs stuggling so hard yet can't say a simple name, yet everyone's so cheerful abt it, innocence at their age is like going through childhood again. They really are a bundle of joy today, everyone laughing at everyone. Then coz this game needed us to call each other by our names, and my name was quite difficult for them, so Ms Soon introduced me as Ah Mui (xiao mei4 mei4), then the elderly call me ah mui so sweet loh. Then got one Indian man kept saying my name's KissHer, so irritating! *3 lines down the top right hand corner of me face* While we playing game, the shuai ge volunteer go sweep the garden (so gentleman right?!). Den lunch, and I needed to transfer this indian man from wheelchair to dining chair but dunno how to so the shuai ge help me. Den after that he always bring the Indian man in wheelchair go garden in the hot sun (so xin ku loh...). During lunch shuai ge ask the senior staff Mdm Ho who I am, den she say I'm their volunteer worker, so he was like "orh...*nods head*". Den after lunch we all sit at the tables do the pamplets thingy den the Indian man talk to shuai ge. Then the indian man ask me for my name so shuai ge oso talk so we get to talk to each other! Didn't expect the indian man to be so knowledgeable loh. Shuai ge oso very lihai, can keep up a conversation with him. He ask me how I came to help in KWSH, my school and future plans blablabla.. said he was in finance until he got retrenched so he go KWSH help out as volunteer oso. Wahaha... den he stay nearby oso, say he last time go my old block pick free flower pots! ahaahaa... so kiam one. He actually said leaving at 1+ but in the end stay until the end. Helped out in the Bingo game, den help Tan Kee Pan (this famous ah gong who always throw tantrums) to win 1st prize! Then later we drink sweet potato soup den both of us volunteers get extra soup from Mdm Ho! hehee... liewz he married already still like xiao hai zi! Haha... they were talking abt when Chinese New Year so I was rejoicing over being able to get ang baos so I kinda demanded one from him as well. Hmm there was this confusion over whether he's married or not coz apparently everyone thought he's single. Hmm... did I blow it? haha.. watever lah. Oh den he know my dialect no good den got one time I sit on the big gym ball talk to this ah mah den I say I dunno how to talk he say never mind I help u. Den I haven't start he start laughing already! Stupid shit.
Hmm.. today KWSH long story. After that the Tan Kee Pan throw tantrums again loh then the whole DRC got thrown into state of emergency. Luckily Mdm Ho know how to handle him. Haai... my temper now in this state, nxt time grow old liao could be worse than him wor... hmm better not live till so old. Haha..
Learnt from quiet ah mah dat pink in hokkien is something like 'water red'. Den learnt from shuai ge dat cute in hokkien is chu4 bi3 or ko2 ai3. Den cute ah mah give me eat her biscuit, + gave me 2 packets from the box dat she won from the bingo game. So sweet rite? Said she very cute already. Then they all go home le, left the shuai ge, me & Mdm Ho. I give one packet to the shuai ge, he actually reject say he eat until very sian liao but in the end he still take. Haha.. stupid guy so easy to manipulate. (reminder: he was in finance one hor, cannot look down on him.) Then I saw this piece of paper on the floor so I pick it up, but den dere was this gooey stuff under it, den he saw and told me it's dunno who's saliva. Haiyoh den u dunno how to clear up one meh? So I cleaned it up loh. And he only say "dun worry lah no disease one." He did look concerned lah. Haha.. budden hor if I scared got diseases I will continue cleaning it up meh? Toot. Den Mdm Ho washing toilets when I ask her which toilet can use, den he heard loh so he help me find toilet. He so funny here can, say "eh I bring you go see the toilet outside want?" Majiam like bring me go see house lidat loh. Budden I dunno whether he serious abt helping me find toilet not, I just play around and follow him loh. Den the ladies was occupied mah left the gents only. Den he say " eh or you go the gents I help u jagah outside lah. I don't think anyone comes here one lah!" I say he siao loh. Nvm lah I not urgent. Den dat's where he left le. I went back DRC to wait for Mdm Ho to clean up.

Haha.. so fun sia. He goes down every Tuesday. Must try to go on tuesdays oso. Haha.. eh no ideas lah. Just that lidat at least tuesday he can tok to indian man. Thursday go no one tok to Indian man, I cannot take it lah. His current affairs so wide loh, I know not even a full-stop compared to what he knows. Luckily he married already. Haha.. guess dere's a part of me that still likes kampong boys.

Den went down to the confectionary to see whether the shop still want staff not but didn't see the sign so went home den go out again to Violet's place watch Ba Wang Bie Ji. The show so sad loh, but so confusing oso, 1/2 the time I was asking Violet wat's going on. Haai... still.. juz love beautiful boys...so gentle...so delicate... and I'm going kuku...

Oh thanks Violet for waiting for me to watch Ba Wang Bie Ji together. Really sweet of you. So touched... Oh haha... called to ask about a job for the 1st time today though I'm not going for it. Still, funny lah. Feel the sense of achievement already. Must remember to ask abt off days nxt time I call.

Yup so guess dat's it for today..or yesterday. Come daybreak gonna haf lotsa things to do. Now quite late already. Dun see the time on top. Now already 2.10am. If I can wake up to go market with my mother, maybe go the confectionary again see whether they still need people, den go KWSH, den go buy cutie stickers for tuition kid, den go buy clothes, den see whether my sis can take over my tuition again so I can go for capoeira class, otherwise it's teaching again. Then day after go for rbl chalet.

Actually can sleep an hour earlier one, but my didi(nxt yr sec4 from my sec sch cca one), he very frustrated loh den he tok tok tok online abt so many problems. Haiyoh di ah, it's a screwed-up life in np lah. Dun take it too hard. It's tough being you, I understand, I've been through that stage where people disregard you because of the person you are(I know you don't think it's dat problem, I oso dunno how to put it through to u.). Haai.. sometimes it's really hard being an ugly person, or having an unpleasant voice. But it's not our fault that we're born that way wat... Then again, life is never fair. Take care lah xiaodi. Life is never fair. It's tougher for peeps like us in our category. But we'll make it someday.

2dae went KWSH again. Quite a meaningful day coz did something different. Accompanied this woman to the toilet, help her take off her pants, wait for her to finish her business, blablabla u noe. Didn't think anything abt it coz I helped my aunt the same way before mah, but Mr Ho (dat stupid driver always bully me one) got quite impressed (haha!) den during lunch he offer me chilli ask me want to eat this eat dat when usually he'll take food from my plate say the food I eat so good blablabla say I this bad that bad ask me to do things for him. Then this Indian woman her daugther come 1/2 after everyone left so she alone. Then the senior staff Mdm Ho there she dunno how to speak English and she need to clean up the place. So I stayed behind and talk to her while Mdm Ho clean up the place. Lovely woman, but she very sad loh, her daughter leave her here then so late then fetch her home. Then everyone here Chinese then no one talk to her. And I didn't realise it until it was time to go home. Well... since I'm still jobless, me gonna go back again 2mr.

Hi. I'm in a better mood now.

Tried something I never did before moment I reached home from class. Went into my sister's room, lights off, door close, Dharma(not the one from Dharma & Greg) chanting softly in the backgrd, closed my eyes and crossed my legs in meditation position. Was aiming for 30mins but lasted only 20 coz my dad opened the door. Didn't know it would be so hard to block my thoughts even for 5 mins. And just sitting down, I was still perspiring. The most I got to was forgetting my legs were in that uncomfortable position until they became numb. Then there was this time when I could just hear the music and nothing else, and felt really happy. A different kind of happiness. Carefree, relaxed kind of happiness. Solitude is bliss.

Wanna give a million zillion thanks to Julia & Melissa. Julia for being so patient with me and guiding me coz I really dun get the moves. And Melissa, for being able to sense my unspoken worries. Typed a para on my feelings (mostly negative) towards capoeira coz batizado's this Sat. Deleted it. But there was this part that says 75% of me does not want to learn capoeira anymore, 24% is giving up, 1% is struggling very hard. After today's class, 2% will fight on, and drag me down to class.

17-19 Dec got rbl chalet. Cannot stay over on 17 coz need to teach tuition. Abt training.. I dunno lah, Mulata if u not free it's ok loh. I understand. =)

Finished a book Psycho. The one in the movies quite some time ago. Abt this transvesite with multiple personalities, and one of them caused him to kill 2 people. Got me thinking if I might kill someone someday. I too have multiple personalities, and one of them is quite violent...

2mr going down to KWSH again coz I haven't found a job. Factory workers like on holiday, no job vacancies. Been learning Cantonese from my mother these days. Majority
of the patients there are Cantonese, so must learn abit.

K lah. My sister's didi has been so nice, counting down to her return, I shall do the same too. 9 days to Tara's return from Laos.

Abt an hour and a half before training. Raining outside. Just reached home from slacking at my dad's workplace. So I'm freaking pissed enough to offend the entire world out there. This is my other personality speaking.

For those who don't know me, I do NOT work for MONEY. Unlike the many people who turn up year after year at my dad's workplace. Even if the pay's $20 for the whole day, I'll go and work there. I'll work even if they don't pay me. Because I WANT to WORK. And today, it happened again. I went. I didn't get anything to do. And I got paid the full amount. Say I'm stupid, I don't care. I don't want money that I didn't work hard for. Fucking Ang Chin Tiong. Don't call me back if you don't want me to do anything. I don't want your stinking money.

Blind Fury's a really nice show.

Juz came home from KFC with my dad. Now watching Blind Fury with him.

Had a long talk with him today. Talked about things that remind the both of us of how lucky we are being who we are right now, now rich, yet not poor. And still feeling grateful to what we have.

Workshop's postponed. Luckily I msged Melissa ask her where the workshop is otherwise I would have made a wasted trip. I should try and pay attention in class.

Just wish I knew my friends better, so I can be a better friend to them... I'm such a failure at this.

Went KWSH again today. I was the only volunteer there, unlike the other times when there were others. Realised from the log book that during the 2 days when I didn't go down, there wasn't any other volunteers either. I did feel bad lah k... Well today was quite a fruitful day. Not so much slacking around coz the ah mahs know me already and were very friendly. Then this senior staff there also know me and she really very very nice. So despite my limited Hokkien I could still communicate with them. And the ah mahs' maids as well. They all so cute can... Today staple these envelopes to some brochures. Then the ah mahs and their maids oso help. Watching them horh... they quite cute loh, really. One of them, once she finished her stack, I give her somemore envelopes to slot into the brochures, I place the envelopes upside down she just slot them in the same way, in the end all wrong. Then I tell her, she smile and did them over again. So sweet right? Then later I took the stack away and she did it wrongly again. So I had to teach her all over. She laughed and said she old already, very forgetful, awhile only forget things already. I told her ,"Ah mah ah, buay hiao gin, zhou lang hua he tio ho." Then she asked me the time, said she old already the clock so nearby oso cannot see the time. "Ah mah ah, zhou lang hua he tio ho..." hehee...
After that she wanted to go toilet. When she came out she told me say all the toys in the toilet see them go toilet "do business". So I said ah mah ah your door closed they oso cannot see one loh. Hehe.. den her reply so cute, say she joking only, if she dun say den got nothing to talk about and nothing to laugh about.
Today still got bring the patients go garden look look see see feed the fish. I pushed the same ah mah in the wheelchair. Then when we were returning to the DRC, we passed this place from which my home could be seen so I showed her. After that it was time for them to go home.
So much for one of my last few days dere before I find myself a job. Thanks the senior staff there for the wonderful lunch she specially prepared for me. Simple, but felt really blessed. =)

Oh yah, yesterday marked the day I start hating myself. I've become a tuition teacher. The kids were a terror, but it was only my 1st day. I'll learn.

The next 3 days will be super tiring. Work at dad's place, den at 6 must rush down to NUS. Cannot go for class in the afternoon. Must sleep early these days. Dark rings are forming.

hi! Great day yesterday. Went on Day 2 of Solo Adventure. Was supposed to go for it last week but mother got injured on the day so postponed it till yesterday when she can cook by herself. Took lotsa fotos and quite a few crapped-up videos. Plus I had my dad's camera tripod with me, I could take videos without being too close to the cam!

Left home at 11.45am after helping mother peel a whole bowl of garlic. From home, walked to Chinatown. Was getting sleepy so told myself if I passed by a 7-11 on my side of the road I would treat myself to the "Xi Yin Dong Nai Cha". Reached Chinatown. Took a video of myself in Chinatown toilet. Haa.. told u the videos were crapped. Bought myself a Swiss Army Knife to replace the one I lost during June expe. For once, shopkeepers didn't look down on me whenever I wanted to buy something. And I was in a torn t-shirt and running shorts. Chinatown's Sng Arms is a good shop. Heh =). From there, walked to Labrador Park. Got lost along the way. Ended up taking the longest route instead of the shorter one. There was this part where like nobody walk one loh. Keppel Rd there. Then as I was nearing Sentosa, took a photograph but ended up dropping my map. Luckily I realised I lost it when I reached HarbourFront so it wasn't too far a backtrack. There was also this part where there were 3 grasscutters, and I was kinda like advancing together with the 2nd grasscutter coz he didn't notice I was behind him! Only when the 3rd grasscutter yelled at him to stop did he realise I was there! So paiseh loh. I ran past them and didn't look back. Heh... Then after 4 hours, finally reached Labrador Park! So excited when I finally saw the sign loh. The entrance like nobody one. Then later got 1 guy. Then at the boardwalk got a few more. Then the jetty got more people fishing though I din see any fishes in the sea. Went down to the beach, took a few fotos n videos. Went there 3 yrs ago on Geography Field trip. The rockforms haven't changed much. The place not as covered in oil as when I went there the last time. So yah that was it. Didn't visit the Guns, these war history stuff not my liking. So I left. Went on the long walk out. Funny thing happened, there were these groups of guys in front of me, then as I walked out, cars stopped along the way to pick them up and drive them out so in the end I was the only one to have to walk all the way out! =( but it was really funny seeing it happen. From Labrador Park, walked back to Henderson Rd and turned into Telok Blangah to see the Alkaff Mansion. The Alkaff Mansion was quite a disappointment, coz there was a sign that says all unauthorised or uninvited personel will be dunno wat dunno wat lah so I took a video from the back and left! Tired le, so took bus back. Dat time was about 6.30pm liao. Took 145 and realised that I had walked most of the route in the day. Went Violet's place to bathe den watch Ba Wang Bie Ji. Actually very hungry one loh, budden ask mother keep food for me liao, must go home and eat. Her hand lidat still cook if I dun eat she'll very sad one loh. So I whole day drink coffee drink water den Violet's made still got make Milo for me, go home then eat. Ba Wang Bie Ji so sad loh... hey Violet, thanks for having me. Lend me ur toilet, ur t-shirt den I still can occupy one whole sofa. So long nvr sit on sofa liao. Hope u cheer up and be happy k?

End of Solo Adventure. Time to find a job.

Harlo! Great day at KWSH today. Chin Soon and his gf were there. Heh. But that wasn't the fun part. Played ball with the elders today. So fun! Then whenever they laugh and were enjoying the game, feel so happy inside. Then ate so much there too. Haha...fatty fatty in moi tummy! There was this gu zheng there, so whenever got nothing to do I went over and play abit. Dunno how to play so anyhow pluck the strings. So fun so fun so fun!

But so tired. Maybe 2mr not going back le. Go walk walk..

I need a crash course on capoeira or I'm not going to make it through the test, needless to say, batizado...

wHeeEe...stock-taking was fun today. Siewmin's a really nice partner. Somemore the 2 of mental calculation so s-l-o-w so funny loh. Earned $53 today and spent $21 of it on Bon Jovi's This Left Feels Right. Dad ask me wanna go Oceanstar for whisky and band with him today. Thinking about it. More worried about capoeira class tomorrow. Must remember to bring mi fees.

Nearly got drunk last night. all that love songs on the karaoke... made me gulp down my mug of beer like it was coke. Went home and in less than 10mins I was in dreamland.

Spent the morning helping out at KWSH's Day Rehabilitation Centre from 9.30am to 3.30pm. Was just slacking around until it was time to go home. I decided to fold a seagull since there was like nothing to do and I don't speak dialect. Then a missy saw the bird and got me to teach the patients to make. However, only one seemed interested but couldn't follow. But she was quite jovial about it so with a little help from me, she made a paper crab! Cannot imagine how happy I felt. Just after she finished making it, the patients had to go home. Well, luckily for the origami session, otherwise it would have been quite a wasted morning, coz I didn't do much at all except sit and watch patients. This other 17yr old there was playing around and talking with the patients. But cannot blame me mah, I dun understand dialect, and I'm not talkative when I dun noe them. Going back there again next Monday. If I'm going to find a job, I guess I have to get a night shift one. Spotted a couple in the papers but unsure of what I have to do so haven't called yet. Haai...

Yup me not going for expedition. 2mr working at my dad's place, so not going for class. Starting capoeira class on Sunday. Finally. Quite worried lah...but can't be helped. Batizado's next week.

Going out for beer with my dad. I need my sleep. And these days I only sleep well after beer... what is happening to me man...

Oh my younger sis is in Bangkok, on her way to Laos on her Overseas Community Involvement Programme. Won't be home until 20days later. So for me, 20days of peace. For now. Dunno when I'll start missing her but I hope I never will. Coz if I miss her, she'll miss me over there too. And she'll be sad. And then her didi will be sad too. Then I never take care of her didi for her. hehe... =X

I'm tired. Super tired. But I can't sleep. Downed an entire can of beer faster than my usual speed and still I'm awake. Tossed and turned on the bed but juz couldn't sleep. Same thing happened last night at Oriental. Didn't sleep until around 4am despite having slept so late the night before... what is going on sia...

Grad nite was a disappointment. Coupled by some other reasons.

I know that somewhere, out there, I'll be able to find the guy of my dreams, one who behaves like a girl yet not gay, and willing to go into a relationship with a short, fat and ugly girl like me, and live the rest of our lives together.

Yes, I love sissies. You have a problem with that? At least their hearts are pure...

Still, I wanna thank Huishan for the great hair and make-up at the most wonderful price. Grad Nite would have been a much worse disappointment if it weren't for her. And Desmond too. Thanks a lot for what you said to me. Really grateful to you. And Violet too. And Yvonne, and Shouhua, and Huikai. All of you made my nite.

This disturbing, frustrating, disappointing night.

I really should be sleeping. The last things I want appearing on my face are eyebags and dark rings when I already have these craters on my face to worry about. But I just had to blog. Super long blog Too many things happened today.

Reason I'm still awake at this time is coz I juz finished making a present for someone. Just an aquaintance, but I really like the present I made, though it doesn't look very nice. Like it so much, I keep fiddling with it. U see, it's supposed to be a knife made of wood, like jackknife lidat can pull out the blade and put back in one, spent a really long time digging the wood out from in between layers of the piece of wood so that I can slot in a thinner piece of wood as the blade. And I only started on it at 10pm. I really bo skill one lah, so take such a long time. But I really like it. Too bad it doesn't look like anything in a foto(plus I'm still taking photos that turn out blurred on my digicam. Aarghh... somebody save me..). Since I started experimenting with wood (that's on Joe's birthday), made 2 presents that I really really like, the photoframe I made for Sophia (the house that's in my friendster foto), and this knife! Another one is the pillow I made for Kelvin. (I'm still playing with the knife...) Hope the future owner of the knife is at grad nite 2mr, or I'll kill myself with it... heh...

Ok.. eventful day today... or rather, yesterday. To cut the long story short:
1) mother cut her hand, followed her and dad go hospital at 6.40am.
2) Jianwei(ex-sir) in army uniform at hospital oso think waiting for someone.
3) Parents went see doctor for mother's appointment, I cooked for the family for the first time in my entire life.
4) Watched Star Runner with younger sis in the evening at PS. Quite a nice show, but very crappy. Bought shoes for Grad nite. My first pair of heels.
5) Made presents for Nic, Sam and Shouhua from 10pm - 3am
6) Watched Guess Guess Guess. They had these guys who dress and behave like girls. Beautiful...!
7) Tossed & turned in bed until around 4am before finally falling asleep.

5min37sec for 22 storeys, and I'm still dripping with sweat 10 mins after. And it was such a leisurely climb. I'm so weak now. & FAT. But horh, I tink if I chiong, I'll be slower coz I'll stop and rest. Haai...

Short but eventful morning. Mainly coz went town with ODAC peeps. They went Delifrance to eat, but when they got settled down, I went off to find 3sa's prezzie. Town horh, want to find Pooh bear very the hard when u need it so badly. Finally got 1, though not the kind I had in mind. 3sa, I really wanted to get u a nicer pooh bear. Believe me, though I always bluff u. =X Really so happy to see her so appreciative of such a fake pooh bear. =) Then I realised something, coz the moment Zebin spoke to me he talked about the Fair Match show which was like months ago(?!?), so it's either I dun bluff guys or I just can't stand being caught seen on tv, coz I just went like "haiyoh no face to see people liao" instead of "no lah, that's just someone who unfortunately looks like me. why so many people think it's me? really look like meh? " =P And I also realised that I haven't spoken to Zebin in like months, but then horh, I oso dun tok to alot of people one so quite ok lah. Heh...

Waiting for my sister to come home then go watch the Vanness movie with her. Provided she still got energy to go out. Corinna's back in Singapore, wanted to go for the dinner, budden dunno wat time my sis come home to watch the show with her, den my mother tonight got wedding dinner then no one at home take care of my aunt. So it's Sims at home tonight.

Finished the "I Hate Zax" today. Brought it to school and kept reading it. Ppl were asking me the book nice meh? I like Wang Ren Fu ah? Why are you reading this book? Actually when I first bought the book I didn't think I'd like the book. I only liked about half of what I saw. But the more I read the more I like the book the less I regretted buying. In fact, now I feel so glad that I bought the book. Wang Ren Fu in real life is nothing like what we see on-screen. And alot of what he's like in person is pretty much how I feel most of the time. Virgos...he kept blaming it on being a Virgo and having a hot-tempered mother. Like I am a Virgo and I have a hot-tempered father(though I still don't believe in this horoscope shit). "I Hate Zax" is a nice book. First time a chinese book didn't manage to bore me, and it was in 'fan2 ti3' loh.

My dad wanted to follow me on my trip to the zoo but horh, sorry lah I'm going on a weekday, which means you can't make it!

So many people found jobs. And I'm still playing around. I don't want to start work yet leh...

Yesterday Wilson's birthday. Now I understand how 3sa felt when she msged me happy birthday and I didn't reply. Yesterday never come in to blog, so... Happy Belated Birthday Wilson!