9 LOTTE hard candies, 4 fruit gummies, 10 chocolate marbles, 3 mentos, 3 fruitplus, 1 'bomber candy', and a whole bag of mixed gummies and marshmallows. These were what my sister bought me on 6 Feb 2004. I finally finished them all today.

See what happens when I plan to do something? I end up not doing it! Yup. Din go TM, instead stayed home, burnt a CD for my didi, containing some of my all-time favourite songs. Lotsa them oldies lah but dat's wat I like. Yep... hope he likes them too...

Oooh... I dreamt I was back at work last night. It was kinda different, coz in e dream I was the only QA, and shuai didi was the only person around, scanning the overpacks as usual. Then the scene changed to some shit hall place and dunno wat le. But that part of me working was nice.. I miss work. Yeap...

Clearing up my receipts... 2 1/2 months...60-70 days... I spent an average of $2-$3 a day buying things for the guys and girls at work to eat. $120-$210...
Still... miss those days... but all good things must come to an end. Furthermore, those were some of the most wonderful days of my life..

Haai.. now my atm card dun have my name le. Looks so...empty. Can't wait for my card to break again den I can go try make new card..hopefully with my name on it.

And I must remember to not go back to the same bank. The teller sucks. She's such a fucking cheebye.. I noe my name very nice, but that doesn't mean I'm a nice person. Call and call my name.. eeyer... shut the fuck up sia. Just get my card and get going. Talk and talk and talk ask me this ask me that. Sian 1/2 siaz. So glad to be over and done with it.

Okie... on a lighter note. Mother was sick this morning so I did the cooking. Hehee.. soup taste terrible. Vege still ok. Meat was heated from the can. Ok lah.. didn't do much cooking. But hey, I did something alrite?

2day.. will try to keep myself busy. Maybe clear a little of my room... den go buy candies for 2mr..

Angeline~ Go see the photo gallery k? I put in borders for 2 of the 3 without borders. I like the mashimaro one...

okie.. sleep time.

Today is a great day! At least, the afternoon was fun. Met Angeline. Went Bugis. Walk walk window shop. Bugis Yellow dun haf the lighter. Guess I hafta go down to Tampines 2mr to check it out.

I shall not be so organised in future. Write down wat I'm gonna do, in e end end up not doing. East coast cycling cancelled, zoo trip postponed, KL trip might not happen. So I'm really really happy that I could go out with Angeline today. Yup. Bought 2 waistpouches from a shuai ge at Bugis Village. Den 2 t-shirts too. And 2 pairs of earrings!! Lalalaa...

Eating blue cheese with Port. Thinking of what to do tomorrow... maybe I'll go buy myself the little thingy that Angeline bought herself and gave 1 to me. Hehe.. den it's lighter hunting again.

KL trip so screwed now sia... the guys 1 by 1 dun wanna go, den girls left Cory & myself still hanging on wanting to go... why dey so lidat one arh...

Haai... why do things always not work out for me...

1st Huimin cannot go for KL trip... now didi cannot go wif us to e zoo...

Still... hope we'll have fun 2mr~

I'm so bored I'm reading Wilson's blog, though 1/2 e time I dunno wat he's talking abt. Haha...

I miss the auntie jiejie at work. Really wish to see her again...

Just now went Marina Square walk walk. The entire place closing down sia... proves how long I haven't been out.. Marina Square closing down le I oso dunno...

2mr going out with Angeline. Maybe can look for the lighter..

Wednesday go zoo. Violet onz horh?

Friday saturday sunday maybe go KL. Maybe not. Haai... Huimin cannot go. dun feel like going le.

Just now went for steamboat bbq wif ODAC ppl. Quite fun larh though as usual I'm left out. Haiyah I'm left out everywhere. Dat's why I like my didi so much. Haai... sado...

Sianz... now I'm wide awake again... while ppl are at work...

Hehe.. my cupboard is neat! Should have seen the smile of my mother's face. Haha.. I give my cupboard 3 days to stay in it's current condition.

Den the bigger challenge... clear up the area around my table.. but that's.. another day's business.

Going out soon. Do a little walk walk shopping myself.. =)

Handphone so quiet... everytime I msg him he wouldn't reply. He really trying to 4get me arh... so guai1...

I'm bored man...mother went for her operation, dad's with her. Sis' at school. Nobody's online! Sianz... den again the only people I talk to these days are work peepz (and there are only 2 of them coz e other one has no computer). I lead a boring life these days sia...

I'm actually tidying up my wardrobe. Sorting out the clothes ie tanks *muacks*, t-shirts I wear often, clothes I'll never wear again but dun wanna throw, clothes I wear to sleep. Hehee... It's agreed upon that I have the most untidy wardrobe at home. Even after clearing up my cupboard, it will be messy again in at most 3 days. Let's try to set a record here.. hehe.

Listening to some of my older mp3s. Looking for songs to learn to sing at KTV~ I'm hooked even if I'm potentially able to crack some glass doors there. Haha. Elmo said I sing oldies..blah. I'm only 1 year older and it seems like we're separated by some generation gap. But really loh.. most old songs sound nicer, not so much the lovey-dovey sad sad songs, but more of those friendship-childhood songs. Yep?

K back to my cupboard~

It's confirmed! I'm going for the Deep Purple - The Banana's Tour in Singapore on April 10th! Yippieeeeeeeeeeeeeee.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Huimin we must go KL this Friday, Saturday & Sunday otherwise I cannot go le...

Then I must find job soon...

I'm getting fat.. drifting further n further away from being able to do that 1 pull-up... haai.. I badly need to lose some weight sia... every morning wake up so late these days...

Yesterday's shopping spree :
Bought 3 tanks of the same design. Haha.. now I have 4 Hang Ten tanks. I must be crazy. Yup dat's all I got. Then my sis' body spray loh. And she got 2 S n K T-shirts. Can borrow from her le. =P

Very cute...yesterday World of Sports had the Man U & Arsenal jerseys side by side on display. Couldn't help giggling to myself den my sis was like wat's so funny.. Man U & Arsenal drawed. hurhur.. at least better than Arsenal winning larh. I'm not a avid soccer fan anyway. =P

Bored. Nobody online. Not going east coast to cycle le. =( Maybe I should try clearing up my room...

whole family watching Bibiks Go Broadway. Maybe I should sit down n watch too.

Toothache from too much Ben & Jerrys. Owww...

Sleeping early tonight... getting fat...

Sorry brada for missing ur last day at capoeira class... going for the marina bbq 2mr? We have farewell roda in the soccer field...

My shoulder's fine... just sharp pain every now and then...I'll be fine...but my ankle needs an ankle guard... it feels... twisted...

Ok.. so what's gonna happen over the next few days..
Mother's going for her eye surgery 2mr, gonna become 1-eye swordswoman (knives flying in the kitchen) during the next 3 days, and this unfillial daughter of hers will be dining out while she's recovering. Why? Coz 2mr going marina wif odac ppl.. Tuesday meeting Angeline (wouldn't miss it for the world), Wednesday's the much awaited zoo trip! Hope my didi can make it. My eternal happiness depends on it... muahahahaaa...

Heard this song in the car today... den.. yah thinking abt some stuff... This time round I really need to listen to my heart and not listen to the opinions of others...if I'm really serious abt this...

"I know there's something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yea
you've built a love but that love falls apart
your little piece of heaven
turns too dark

listen to your heart
when he's calling for you
listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do

I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why but
listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye

sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
the precious moments are all lost in the tide, yea
they're swept away and nothing is what it seems
the feeling of belonging to your dreams

listen to your heart...

and there are voices that want to be heard
so much to mention
but you can't find the words
the scent of magic
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind" - Listen to Your Heart by Roxette

Yup...

Today went to sao3 mu4. I really admire my aunt today. She so weak, yet her determination to go with us, despite the disagreement and anger of everyone, has earned my respect. Godmother, rest well. Tonight, I salute u.

k going out wif sis. Hehe... lobster. Me? Yeah! Tanned skin.. or rather..arms. Rewards from sao3 mu4-ing. =) This year elder sis din come with us, so my sis and I sit at the back of the MPV, can sleep comfortably, can stretch our legs. Shiok ah! Hahaha...

Spent the entire saturday morning sawing and sanding wood for mestre's present. Missed the odac orientation. But o well.. sorry em, but really lah, I hate school. Even if I'm going back to see the people, I hate being in school.

Saturday capoeira class. We had birthday rodas for Mestre, Tempero & Hasibah. Didn't play much... but den nearly twisted my ankle during the roda with mestre, and den my right shoulder..haiyah same old probby larh.

Fuck.

okie den after class went home. And den me dad and sis went cold storage in chancery court dere. My dad borrowed a car, so yeah went for a spin after buying wat we had to. Or rather, what we wanted to. Coz we were supposed to just get juices, instead bought a whole load of other stuff. Joy of shopping with my father, see what we like just take. Hehe.. bought 2 small tubs of Ben N jErrys! Yippiez!! Haven't tried yet larh but... yeeahh..~~

den went for more spins~ Hehe.. daddy got lost in SMU, den went tanglin halt, den end up still eat at that food court near home. Haha.. stupid dad. =P But it was fun while it lasted. We got no car, still leading a good life. So when dad borrows car, and he's such a fun driver, go spin spin very fun. Den the radio was on 90. FM playing e oldies. Den my dad n I were singing in the car. Den got once we were having so much fun he playfully lifted his hands off the steering wheel and so me n my sister were like "LAO PA LEAVE UR HANDS ON THE STEERING WHEEL!!" Haha...

2mr will be a tough capoeira training day.. yah? but I might not make it... but dat's 2mr's business.

haai.. so long le.. still haven't blog abt events from last sat to last tuesday... soon soon...

Haai...after a sad day outside...after so many days of missing the ppl at work.. missing my di in particular, I finally plucked e courage to msg him, and call him. And we talked on the fone like we used to. Haai... and he actually skipped work. =|

I hate this heart-wrenching feeling. haai... blogs does have it's disadvantages.. there are lotsa things i can't type here...

I'm tired. Tired of hanging on to this person I call my angel. He should be just my very good friend. Think I'm expecting too much from him. No matter what, he's just.. not my type.

But someone else is, in every way. Character, personality, behaviour, innocence... even the extra added bonuses eg. height, eyesight, intelligence, family background...and I can talk to him on the fone without getting cold hands n feet. He's the only one capable of doing that loh...
He is all I ever looked for, except for his skin colour. And his age.
All I can wish for is that he's not like that person I call my good friend. If he too likes pretty girls, that's it man. I'm giving up on life. I'm leading this life alone.

My angel scored demerit points today. *grah*

Hey right arm, stop hurtin' already alrite? I still wanna learn capoeira and play badminton...
And I wanna keep sawing and sanding and drilling at wood making presents for people who made a difference to my life...

K... schedule for next week:
Monday : marina bay bbq wif odac
Tuesday : Outing with Angeline
Wednesday : Walk to zoo (and go in larh of course) with Violet, Huimin n didi(hopefully)
Thursday onwards: find another job (hopefully got night shift jobs again...)

I miss my didi I do not miss my didi I miss my didi I do not miss my didi I miss my didi I do not miss my didi I miss my didi I do not miss my didi...

Basically I just miss work... haai...

Oh... now I noe wat was upsetting me. They kept making fun of these 2 guys and girls.. coz yah another of those the guy likes the girl and both of them try to avoid it while everyone else tries to bring them together. And obviously I'm left out again.

Well...I'm short, fat and ugly. And in this situation, old. Haha... sad case huh.

And to anyone out there, stop telling me I'm beautiful and have inner beauty and all that crap. Coz I don't. If I do, I wouldn't be typing all the above down over n over again... (I'm not sad. I'm just sick and tired of lies.)

Ok I just remembered I haven't paid for the admission into uni thingy. Must remember to do it 2mr.

Just came home from KTV with the ppl at work. Haai.. juz couldn't seem to enjoy myself with them anymore.. 1 year age difference really quite a lot leh... dunno oso lah... I miss work n I miss them all...

Ooh and I had my ears pierced again~ Yippiez~ So painful... actually not really lah. It was done quite fast. The pain only came later. Haai... Initially only wanted to pierce right ear coz..yah.. trademark of the gays? But decided to just do both larh.. otherwise when I get older then I decide to then too late le. yah? I still like gays alrite?

And I'm not telling my mother abt it. See how long she takes to find out. Hehee..

I really think my dad is the sweetest man in the whole wide world! He's in KL right now, business seminar or something.. and he just msged my mother.. "Happy 25th Wedding Anniversary. I love u very very much." Awww...

And my stupid mother forgot abt it. Wahahahaa...

Yeah finally found a nice song for my blog... time to work on Mestre's present...

I hate this. This sucks. I'm a daredevil, or at least I consider myself one. But I'm very the super scared of the supernatural. i.e. ghosts. Since yesterday evening, my mind has been playing tricks on me. I hate this. I really hate this a whole lot. Like yesterday, after Huimin left e cab, I was actually trembling while looking through e msgs on my hp to keep myself occupied. Luckily the taxi driver was driving really quickly... Huimin must remind me to return u ur $10.

And Miragem, u must remind me to return u e cab money arh...

Ok.. time to relate what happened over the past few days.

Tuesday morning:
Huimin came over in the morning. So I was expecting myself to wake up early enough to go down to the factory. But I slept through and when Huimin called me, she was already downstairs. Luckily I was already awake...
Yup den we ate the cake that Shihui and/or fishcake (ya coz i dunno from who one.) bought us. Tiramisu~~ Yep..Shihui was so cute, when she gave me the cake she emphasized that the cake got alcohol one. Haha.. so sweet sia know I like alcoholic stuff. But horh, when I eat like no taste of alcohol leh.. alcohol detector down le..maybe too early in the morning.. Haha.. Still the cake very very nice lah.. chi1 zai4 kou3 li3 tian2 zai4 xin1 li3.. da4 bian4 chu1 lai2 yi2 yang4 chou4 di... haha...
K den Huimin went home le... den went to meet brada n Miragem watch movie at cine. Ok I'm like the worst company for a horror movie coz 3/4 the time I was hiding behind my jacket. Still, thanx bro for letting me know which parts r really scary. Actually I tink not it's not scary, just psychologically disturbing. Haai... must try to get over this mind over matter as soon as possible! Ok den went to buy things from spotlight. Den go home, started making the presents for the people at work again. Hai, stupid computers.. so troublesome.. waste so many pieces of paper...

K...den time to go to workplace le. Aftermath of horror movie setting in, I had my sister and mother accompanying me to the bus stop. K den reach workplace. And I could open the sidegate with Huimin's pass! Haai... my pass spoil lah..!! Grr.. den hehe she oso wanna open. Yup den when walking through the carpark.. I met auntie jiejie!! Den dunno why, just had the urge to hug her. So I was like "Jiejie!!" Then she say "u ah..come back always never tell me.." Then I cut her sentence, saying "Jiejie baobao..." den I just hugged her. And she hugged me too! Though only 1 arm larh, but it felt really heart-warming...

Then she had to go le. =(

K den went up the little steps, den saw shihui laughing. Haha.. guess she saw the hug. Haha.. saw shuai didi walking behind so I went after him larh, shouted for him and luckily he turned around. Den give him his present, n elmo's n arthur's as well. Haha.. he very funny loh, i stop him, he said he late le. Den still slowly walk n eat Macs. Haai.. maybe will miss him oso larh. Den again...miss him for wat. =P

Yeah~ I finally have the chance to watch American Idol! Usually by this time I'm preparing to go to work, and I'll miss it so I dun get hooked on it and be late for work. Tonight I can watch~

*sigh* I miss work.

It feels like I'm on drugs. I needa ask elmo who that pretty girl is. She makes me so happy... I feel so lost without her pic...

oops.

Hehe was watching the da4 nü3 ren2 xiao3 nü3 ren2.. den got sissies and gays and... my aunt was laughing at the sissies saying bad things abt them... she doesn't know that they're my ideal kind of guys... hehe...

Realised that over the past 2 months, I see so little of my aunt. These few days I see her so much... I wake up and she's lying beside me... feels like the old times... but feels different... I dunno how to explain it...

I miss work... I miss the hectic night life...

Been working on my blog layout.. leave comments yah? help me with it...

Sigh... bad feeling... same bad feeling that I got the morning I handed in my resignation letter... dunno wat's gonna happen later..

Been ignoring my blog for quite awhile. Weird.. I quit my job last Friday, I should be very free. Yet I have no time to blog...coz for e past 2 days, I've been walking in and out of my room in and out of my parents' room printing stuff for the presents for the ppl at work. Frustrating..and for the past 2 nights, once the clock hits 9pm I start to panic at not being able to finish the presents in time. Stress level at the high... haai sianz.

K before I start on past days events, here's what I have for the next few days:
Thursday - KTV with work peepz, angel passing out day(maybe going out with him)
Friday 2pm - Follow Mulata go cut hair at TP
Saturday - Capoeira. Mestre's birthday.
Sunday - Capoeira. Test.
Must finish Mestre's present in the next couple of days. Capoeiristas can help me out with this? - when one person does an Au Batido, what does the other person do? (P.S. this is not a trick question.)

It's amazing how u can just forget all your anger and frustrations when someone you idolise msgs u, telling u how much he likes the present u gave him, and apologises for not getting u a present too. Time just stops for u to cheer up.

Then painfully snaps u back into reality.

I'm tired. But the day has only just begun for the people at work. Here I am at home...Gonna go do some stuff, then blog abt wat happened over e past few days...

Leaving the house to go YCK MRT soon to return my work stuff.

Yesterday capoeira class quite relaxed coz got performance at Sentosa. Still.. haai... lousy jiu shi lousy. So long oredi I still so lousy...

Anyway went Sentosa after class. Went up the stage to sing along even though I wasn't performing. Haai...extra...always feel so inferior watching them..

After e performance, we decided to go chill and have fun at the beach. So we were singing capoeira songs under the sunset.. beautiful~ really fun... haai...

After that, went workplace get my stuff from the locker. Ok.. so I shall assume that my pass is spoilt. Try and try oso can't get the stupid sidegate open. Grah. After I went in to get my stuff, came out, stood at the bus stop outside for quite some time, went to try to open the gate like some stupid kid with a deprived childhood. Then..haha..I met my Sign Language classmate! She just started working at Motorola last week. And she was like "eh we really hen2 you3 yuan2 leh!" She's so cute!! Haha den she was with me at the bus stop den I was still behaving like a kid trying to open the side gate den turn around feeling so sad that I failed again and den she'll start laughing. Haha she 1st time see someone like me getting upset over not being able to open a side gate with a factory pass.

Okie time to go. Continue another time.

~Happy Birthday Junhui di~

Yeah power web music's back up! Can listen to Gackt whenever I open my bloggy again~ Then again.. gonna change song already. Hehe..

Okie... mother's been bugging me to sleep.. but I dun feel like sleeping... overslept on the bus ride home. Slept from Hougang all e way to Clarke Quay. Took e train back home. Hehee...

Just called my agent. Later after class hafta go back workplace to get the stuff in my locker coz 2mr btwn 12-1pm hafta go Yio Chu Kang MRT to return smock and stuff. Haha den when she realises that I lost the wrist strap... grah pissed. Den again.. hehe heck. =P

Yup.. so my last day at Motorola's over. From where I'm sitting, in front of my computer, the letter from ah boon is in a transparent file tacked onto my cupboard door. Since I got it, been reading it over and over.. think got 5-6 times already. Never expected things at work to end up this way. But if fate should have it, then so be it. Still, the letter's really beautiful, though dunno whether should consider it one of the best rewards from work, coz well... it didn't come pleasantly. Ah boon, I will study hard, whether I make it to the uni or not. This is my promise to you.

Surrounded by so many wonderful memories from work. The foto from MTGW on my table, the bottle of marshmallow wrappers, the 2 pictures that fishcake and Huimin drew on the big overpack papers, and my name that Cory wrote a very long time ago (during the ah beng and ah tong "gao gay" times) on the QA ACCEPTED sticker paper. Chewing the hi-chew that the super chio girl from back-end gave me. The photo of Gackt that I put in the zip-loc I always bring into D/S is out of the bag. Violet was saying yesterday when I went 4th floor to work, that my zip-loc got hole, must change. Hehe.. no need oredi. Last day le.

Ok.. I wanna blog abt my last day at work.
Get off the bus den see Huimin at the bus stop. Wah happy sia.. but short-lived. Coz she juz happened to be there only. =( Den irritated by the side gate, kena stuck dun let me open!! Haha.. later when I go back it better open 1st time I scan my card. >_< Grr.. *kicks the gate*

Then when I went in met my didi. Guess what? He caught me a spider! Aww.. he so scared insects still try to catch one for me. But too bad he caught it while it was still alive, and it's one that looks like a scorpion too! So yah back to the live insects should be left in the wild, but coz work mah, so the spider spent several miserable hours cooped up in the locker. After work went to release the spider somewhere in Hougang.
Okok back to work. Saw piggy at his usual place, den he gave me the postcard that he was supposed to write for me eons ago. Yah e 1st guy of the so many I gave out to return me. Said piggy's not too bad a person. Heh. Okok.. so I got my smock. Hmm.. like last time I'm putting on my smock lidat... hehe... den went to the canteen to find auntie jiejie to give her prezzie. Yup bought prezzie for auntie jiejie coz hai..she really never fails to brighten up my day at the workplace. So must give her gift of appreciation. Hehe. Auntie jiejie was in the canteen, so yah instead of shouting out "jiejie zao!" from the aisle, I walked in behind her and said "jiejie zao" coz she was talking to auntie tweety-bird. Then I just like dropped e bombshell, saying, "jiejie I today last day, then this present xiao3 xiao3 yi4 si4 give you." Den she so cute, act like wanna beat me lidat, say I very bad, today last day never tell her beforehand, den she never prepare anything for me. Aww... haai I'll really miss her alot.

K.. go nap awhile.. 2nite den continue. It was a great morning at work... had so much fun...

Wat's hell babes~ Hahhaha... wey o waaid...

Life is sweet...

This couple's so sweet... korkor and meimei finally got together... so sweet...

sorry peepz.. dun understand? but juz had to blog it...

too bad I dun believe in jie3-di4 lian4s. =)

Last day at work tonight. Tomorrow morning must call my agent tell her I last day le. Haai actually wanna gif e ppl at work presents one.. budden can't get the things. So...see how it goes..

ah beng got terminated. Honestly, I'm really saddened by it. I'm glad I'm leaving this terrible place...

Beautiful sunset outside my bedroom window from where I'm sitting. The greys into beige den orange den red den the black behind the tall buildings of Novena. The other side of the skies foggy... like the kind of route I got myself into... dunno what's gonna happen with each step I take...

Whatever it is, I'm going back to work tonight. Whatever happens, I'm going to pretend to me strong. Mr Lim always told me, don't be afraid. Don't tell others u're afraid. Pretend u're not afraid when u're afraid. Coz no one will know if u're afraid when u pretend u're not afraid.

Had a good workout with my little sis just now. 1 n 1/2 hours of badminton. No one else in the court so we were like monkeys in there. Haha.. no need to paiseh ourselves in front of professionals.

Before we went to play badminton, we were waiting for time to pass so we went to the playground. Then saw my sis on the swing. Den I came to the sad realisation that I do not know how to swing. Like..play on the swing.. go higher.. I dun know... haha deprived childhood. haai.. deprived childhood.

10x sis for the workout.

Stupid wang wang xiao man tou song. Get out of my head. I want my Buddhist chants...

Slept a whole lot. Decided to forgo work last night. Kinda sad to realise that really no one cares whether I'm around or not. Den again, I said before, it doesn't really matter.

Since I've got time and nothing interesting to blog about my life, here's a story Mr IZ Lim once shared with ODAC. A copy of it is pasted on the wall by my bed, constantly reminding me that I'm already a very lucky girl, and that I should be happy, even if I feel more comfortable being sad.

Letters of Hope by Guo Chen
I thought I lived a miserable life. Then I received a second opinion.
I was born into a fairly well-off family in China. My sister was beautiful and an excellent student. Every parent-teacher meeting my parents attended made them indescribably proud of her. However, I seemed to be stuck with misfortune. I was born with a pair of small eyes and snubby nose, and my gradeswere mediocre. I was an "ugly duckling" who always wondered how my parents could have let a plain-looking girl like me come into this world when they'd given birth to my beautiful sister.
Of course, my parents never said anything, but my sense of inferiority made me a striking contrast to my lively and outgoing sister. I seldom spoke and, unwilling to communicate wit other people, lost myself in books or poured out my heart to my diary, hiding myself within a world of my own. For some time, I felt I was the unluckiest girl in the world.
In 1995 I was admitted to a military academy in Guangzhou, in southern China. My team was linked to a village school in western Hunan Province in a "Hand-in-Hand, Heart-to-Heart" campaign, where we sent financial aid to poor pupils. In response to the call from our school, I perfunctorily sent 100 yuan($12) to a ten-year-old girl. Little did I expect that I would get a letter from her shortly after.
In her letter, the girl expressed her gratitude with an enthusiasm I did not anticipate, then told me about her life. Her five-member family's sole income came from a plot of land and some fruit trees. They led a difficult life, yet all three children were eager for a chance to study. She went on to say that, as the eldest child in the family, she could not have stayed at school without my help. She vowed to repay my kindness by dedicating herself to her studies.
Enclosed in the letter was a photo of the girl with her siblings. Standing to one side, she was a slight figure and looked as if the mildest wind would sweep her off her feet. Yet, her big eyes revealed hope and anticipation. I noticed the family wore the type of old-fashioned clothes that people living in the cities had stopped wearing a long time ago. The three of them stood closely together on a narrow country path, clinging onto each other. I grew up never having to worry about food or clothing, and had perhaps gotten used to the comfort of urban living. I could hardly believe that such a family and such a way of life still existed.
Every now and then, letters from the little girl would reach me, with reports of her study and her life. I wanted very much to do something for this child, who was so eager about the future. I began to change my spendthrift ways, instead budgeting my money carefully. I sent regular remittances to her and copied out adages and quotes for her. All of a sudden, my life seemed to have become meaningful. After I sent her a photo of my family, she sent a reply. "How I admire you!" she wrote. "You study in a big city, and you have a happy family. You must be happy!"
I was dumbstruck. In her eyes, I was a happy girl. Why had I failed to see the happiness that was with me all these years? I may not be pretty or all that outstanding, yet I grew up without having to care about the basic necessities of life. I had had a good education in a spacious and bright classroom. Yet under the same blue sky, how many children have to struggle against the threats of war, hunger and disease? I realised how insignificant all my self-pity was. Her letter forced me to realise happiness had always been with me.
Later on, I came across a passage written by Helen Keller, saying she once complained because she had no shoes until she met a man who had no feet. Keller's words deepened my understanding of the true meaning of happiness. In fact, happiness is the scrutiny and discovery of life. Very often, happiness is within our grasp, but we ignore it. Ever since then, I've always said to myself:"I shall be a happy ugly duckling, if an ugly duckling I am."
Some years have passed now. Due to my work with the army, I have moved frequently, and I gradually lost touch with the little girl, who should now be a secondary school student. Nevertheless, I've stopped worrying about my plain appearance and other perceived deficiencies. I've learned to accept myself for what I am, cherish what I have and seize the moment. Whenever I think of that little girl, I am filled with boundless musing. It seems as if that pair of pure eyes are always silently watching. Her letters enlightened me to the meaning of happiness. I hope that she's also facing the world with a brave face and leading a happy life.

Beautiful story, isn't it? I'm going back to work tonight.

I'm tired... so much happened in a mere couple of hours...

I'm quitting my current job in 2 days. I just wanna get out of this place as soon as possible...

Thanx a whole lot to Huimin and my didi who were with me when I was down. I really appreciate what u 2 did for me.

Mulata let's go job hunting some time soon... Really soon... I dun wanna laze around too much...

At least I passed my Sign Language Beginner's Stage 1 Exam. 88%. Not a good pass, but I passed. That's e only thing keeping me happy. And I gotta get auntie jiejie something nice b4 Friday. Or 2mr. Whatever. I hope I get terminated soon.

Penny for my thoughts...
Someone wrote in a blog, asking "What will happen if I cease to exist in this world. Would anyone care?"
To me, it doesn't really matter if no one cares whether I exist or not. It's who I cannot care for if I'm not around that's more important. For people like my angel and now my didi at work, these 2 people turn to me when they are troubled or upset because we live in this society where majority of the people still judge others by what they see on the surface. These people do not like what they see, so they do not take a step further to feel their heart and understand why my angel and didi behave differently from others. It's ridiculous. We do not wish to be born this way, neither do we wish to be brought up the way we were.
My didi calls me his saviour. I'm touched. I said before, this boy's special. He keeps telling me ppl say he's weird and are unwilling to accept him. But to me, he's a dear and a darling, and a gift from heaven. There's something about this boy that keeps me running back to him despite the person he is. Like this morning, it was almost time for the buses to leave. I was in my factory bus, and he was in his. I didn't see him, yet when I received his message asking me where I was, I had to look for him to make sure he's ok. I left the bus a little too late. I got off and the bus drove away. Both buses drove away... I made my didi upset again.

I took bus 857 again this morning. To my escape. But I was too tired. I started dozing off before the sun came up. Like the sunrise doesn't wait for man, the sunrise too doesn't speed up for those who cannot wait. Had I been on my deathbed, merely waiting for the sunrise, fate shall have it if I should die before my last sunrise...

I told Huimin that there are 4 important guys in my life right now. My dad, my brada, my angel, and my didi. My angel called me from camp,to confide in me, to tell me his problems, and I felt him crying inside. I couldn't see him, it was noisy, I couldn't even hear him properly. But I felt him crying, I felt his anger, and I felt his sorrow. My angel never calls me unless he's really troubled. He knows I don't like phonecalls so he writes to me knowing I like receiving letters. But when he calls out of the blue, I know he's troubled. And yesterday, he was really troubled. I'm glad I managed to make him laugh, even for that short moment. Hope he cheers up. Life is tough for the beautiful. Life is tougher for us.

For we are the outcasts.

And it suddenly hit me, the events that have been happening over the past few days. My brada suddenly confiding in me, my dad getting drunk and then kept refusing to drink at my sister's wedding dinner because he didn't want to get drunk and upset me again, getting to know my didi and becoming so close in a mere few days, and my angel calling me last night. These 4 people are my motivations in life. And they constantly remind me of the lucky girl I've been. And much...much more...

Thank you God, for bringing these 4 people to me.

I was feeling a little upset towards the end of work. Line 10's closing. Elmo got terminated. I said before, should 1 of the 4 guys leave, I'm leaving too. I should prepare to quit and find a new job. Mulata is the vacancy still there?

Huimin was telling me some distance away from line 10, that the 3 guys are talking. Asking me to go join them? I told her, it doesn't matter, I'm not close to them anymore. Feel sad larh, coz I used to have so much fun with them. But I told my didi, should I meet someone who's left out of the group, even if I'm already part of the group of popular people, I will leave the group and be with the person who's left out, coz that's the kind of person I am. And when the person who's left out finds company, finds a little more happiness without me, I will leave that person, and be on my own... wandering alone in my little private world...searching for more people who have been left out by others...

=) Take care everyone. I love you all.

bored...

just submitted my application to NUS. Going to try for Science instead of Building and Real Estate. It's where my heart and interest lies.

This entry solely capoeira stuff. Huimin u can skip this coz u probby won't understand...

Honestly, I dunno what I did or wat happened to my right shoulder, right elbow, entire right arm lah. Usually it doesn't hurt. This time, it hurts when I move it. Hurts even when the fan or air-con is over it. Stupid joints, I dun like u all oredi. =(

Den my left ankle oso. Frustrating. Irritating. Anyone got knife?

Yeah...me injured again eh? Part and parcel of life oredi. I wanna learn capoeira, this is what I have to bear with for not doing the moves right. Who says success comes without failures right? Capoeira class today was great. At least, I felt so. I like class when we stretch properly at the beginning. Den today do alot of Aus. I like, coz can train my Au coz I'm so lousy at it. Then we were doing them with one hand and Mestre did it again. He saw me and said "Azeitona believe in yourself". I will be able to do my Aus properly someday... I'll just keep trying...

*argh sharp pain*

Sequences were great! Learn new move. I like the move. Esp doing it with Miragem. I like the move. I wanna practise and practise it...

Then roda. 1st time we just kept singing and singing capoeira songs, feel the Axe eh...Den roda started. Den i kept falling down.. losing my balance and all. I was just starting to feel all confident abt Taka roda for once... haai... den I did the bridge move.. den dunno wat happened.. can't remember really... just that I was in an esquiva or something den tried to get up but fell back down. Thought it was just another shoulder loose thing happening again but the more I tried to move it back in place the more painful it got le...

roda at Takashimaya wasn't too bad. 1st time I didn't fall down or land on my head or something during Taka roda... feeling kinda happy. =)

Then again, what's the injury to my shoulder loh...Poor Tripa's so much more badly injured. Aiyoh...

K.. sleepy. Didi very sad coz alot of ppl at work got sacked. Well if I get e sack 2mr night, I'm gonna try for the job at Mulata's. But I'm such a lousy talker...

Sleep.

Finally back from my sister's wedding dinner. Yup, I went in the end. Was even early. But I was being a real meanie by keeping to myself and not talking to her and saying all the hurtful stuff in front of relatives and friends. But coz many of the ppl do not recognise me after I dyed my hair, so yeah.. heck. The food's not too bad, but the green tea pudding was great. Really good! yum yum...I like green stuff..

I dun really hate my elder sis. I just dun like the way they got started. Dun like how she always argues with my mother over the wedding plans. Jie, I know I've been the most disappointing sister, but now that the wedding's settled and over, I wanna congratulate you and Effendy korkor. I really really hope u 2 can stay together forever. I wanna see you smiling every day of your life. Even on days when you cry, I wanna see tears of joy. If Effendy korkor bullies you or forces you to diet again, let me know, and I WILL PUNCH THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF HIM! Jie, despite all that has happened, we are after all, sisters of the same blood. And we were once close. I miss that. I miss that alot. Really.

Ok..finally blogging abt what happened over the past few days.

Friday morning at work... sad.. feeling so sad the entire day.. coz of dunno wat shit reason. One of those bad feelings day.. grr...but got once ah boon very funny lah. I was in my kinabalu t-shirt mah, den I was showing her the front design. Den she asked if behind got pic not. Ruth and Lincy oso ard. Then ah boon was like "keshia I waiting for u to strip" den the ppl at the logclerk area started laughing to themselves. But I did my stuff den walked away den ah boon started pouting going "keshiaaaa...." Den I went back with another box of handphone to check den she went "keshia I lift ur smock ah..." den I let her and she said "I lift ah...I really lift ah.." den she saw the pic and said "eh the surface lidat one ah.. den if I kneel down den my knees won't bleed meh?" Haha.. funny leh ah boon...
And dat was it..
Den after work went for breakfast with Huimin. Prata very nice. Den walked home. Talked with didi on the fone for 1hr+ on the way home. Memorable. Been ages since someone was able to keep me comfortable on the fone. So far only 2 ppl were able to do it. Now 1 more, my didi. Even my angel isn't able to achieve that.

Nowadays whenever the fone on my table rings, always have the urge to answer it, coz at work whenever the fone at the QA table rings and I'm dere checking stuff, I have to answer it. So no matter how much I hate answering fonecalls, I had to do it. Heh...

K den from work, reach home le bathe den was on the computer keeping myself awake until fishcake called me. Said no one's at Orchard where we were supposed to meet. Oops.. so I rushed down loh.. actually not really rush oso larh. But when I reach she was still e only one there. Den very weird, got this guy who seemed a little eccentric, kept suddenly turning his head towards us, den stare at us den look away, scared the wits out of fishcake. Den we were counting down the trains of which Huimin and Shihui would arrive on. Den when they finally did, we went for lunch at TAKA, den went Far East take neoprint. Turned out very nice!! 1st time I feel so happy taking neoprints. Anyone who knows me will know that I HATE taking fotos. but this time's an exception. Hehe.. Ok den we went KTV~ Yep.. highlight of the day. KTV!~!~ Nvr go b4 coz I can't sing much as I love to. So I very paiseh. Somemore when I heard fishcake, Shihui and Huimin singing, feel even more inferior. I really got turn on the mic loh even though I was really tempted to turn it off everytime it was my turn to sing. Hai.. sound terrible.. but it was fun.. really.. nice 1st experience. Wouldn't have enjoyed so much had I been with anyone else.

Friday night only Shihui and myself went for work. She so tired while I had like nothing much to do coz only few lines running and the production ppl from my line were scattered everywhere. I was so bored.. every now and then go find my auntie jiejie to talk to. Oh ok.. den during the whole morning, I would try to siam that MH who scared the shits outta me on thursday morning. Towards the end of the day, I was at the line's pallet doing the stamping den tupid BFG came over to me and said "eh keshia, you sit here, den u look straight den can see somebody eh..?" Stupid BFG and my partner. Stop suaning me coz of that MH can?! Irritating leh. I kept punching BFG's legs. grr.. Hmm.. den when got nothing to do den auntie jiejie and her friends were together den I was saying "jiejie u're back, just now u disappeared, I kept finding you cannot find." Den she like "I was always around what.. " Den very funny I started saying "jiejie if you disappear I will search the tian1 ya2 hai3 jiao3 to find you" den she said "really ah..." den dunno wat dunno wat lah. Den got this really cute auntie say she's auntie jiejie's manager, if wanna date jiejie out just call her and she'll arrange for me. Hahah...oh den towards the end of the day got this dunno malay or indian auntie, she like shouted out my name den gave me this chewing gum thingy and insisted that I kept it. It was weird, coz I dunno her, dunno where she's from, can't even remember how she looks like, yet she keeps coming to me and giving me things to eat. Happened b4 loh. Haha.. I'm an auntie sha1 shou3(killer).

K end of the morning at work, didn't sleep again coz had to go for NUS Open House. Fell asleep on the train, woke up at Bouna Vista den blurblur walk out the train only to realise that I'm getting off at Clementi so waited for the nxt train to Clementi. So stupid. Met the ODAC peeps, had quite a bit of a talk with Yvonne..nice. I like talking to the 3 of them. They make me feel most comfy. Went for talks, exhibits.. we kept getting approached by NUS ODAC ppl. Hehe..

And I met so many of my sec sch ppl~ Yep esp happy to meet Jingwei again.

Yeah so I'm kinda decided on what I wanna do in future.. gonna get my application settled in the nxt 2-3 days.

Den went for Capoeira class and it was like... dunno.. felt so exhausted. Feel like just my body was moving.. my soul was elsewhere. Felt like a robot programmed by mestre telling me to do what I hafta do. Even mestre realised I was tired and very quiet. He kissed me 3 times after class instead of the usual 2, and 4got abt e kiss I usually give him. Aww... so sweet...

Right arm hurt like hell everytime I moved it. Stupid joints. Someone must teach me to do S-dobrado properly. I tink that's the cause of it. Happened last week too.

Ok so after class went Funan Pastamania with Mulata. Den Energy was there! Wahah..bonus sia. Din know they were dere, honestly. Den hehe, was like placing my order den when they starting singing I ran out to see, den finish liao I saw Mulata oredi at the tables with the tray and our drinks. Hehe.. so paiseh. Nah I'm not some fan of Energy, just that got artiste mah. Free one so go and see loh. Besides, I hardly ever attend such events.

K.. time for class. Taka roda later. Den sister's wedding dinner. Haha.. I'm such a bad sister. I dun even know where the dinner is to be held. Call my parents to ask them later.

Hmm... was watching Friday's episode of American Idol. Then my sister and brother-in-law entered the house from dunno where. And I thought William Hung bore a striking resemblence to my brother-in-law. Or is it the other way round? Whatever, really cute.. buck teeth, small eyes, nerdies, and they're both engineers! Hehee... I am SO MEAN!!!

Anyway..I really salute this guy.. William Hung. Everyone at home watching him was laughing at him. I think the American audience is really sporting... Here I am, no looks no voice no talent, and I dun dare sing in ktv. William Hung, no looks, no voice, language barrier, yet he fights his way through to America and am making it big. There's something abt him that I really admire...

Ok, Ryan Seacrest reminds me of Miudinho. Hehee..

Super AS mood. Lotsa peeps dressed to the nines outside. Here I am in my torn t-shirt and shorts, sitting in my room facing my computer blasting the stereos. I even closed the door during the tea ceremony. I dun give a damn abt my sister's wedding. Though I'll be trying to go for the wedding dinner.. must remember to bring my gel.

Capoeira music very nice.. Miragem is so so sweet.....!!! *hUgzhUgz* 10q10q10q~~ too bad dun haf my 2 favourite songs..but doesn't matter! *hUghuG* again. hehee.. now my friendster profile got 1 more favourite music, Mestre Barrao!

Speaking of friendster, I think my partner at work deleted the testimonial I wrote for him! Stupid guy. I only write testimonials for ppl once in a blue moon ok! And I tot my testimonial for him very nice, den he dun wanna put up. *hmmp* *slams pallet on my partner's toes*

Reason I'm up early. "DEVINA I LOVE YOU! DEVINA WO AI NI! DARLING I LOVE YOU!" Fucking shut up larh. I'm trying to sleep can?! Okok.. my sister's wedding this morning. And I was still in dreamland dreaming abt my elder sis asking me for help and I refused to. And I had to be woken up by her and her hubby shouting their "I-Love-U"s to each other. Talk abt retribution. Anyway, sorry sis for not being around...

I'm so tired I could just go to sleep now. So I shall. Been awake for the past 48 hours. Will blog abt it some other time. Take care peepz.

I'm fuming. Even though I'm listening to Buddhist chants now, I'm still fuming...

I hate school. I really really really HATE school. I hate CJC, I hate DHS, I hate SPS, I hate BPS. All these schools made me who I am today, instead of the better or worst person I could have been. I hate being stuck in between, showing some people the good side of me and showing others the ugly side. I wanna be either a really good girl, or just be a spoilt rebellious brat. Not just that, I just dun get it with teachers and PRINCIPALS. What is it with them and dyed hair? So what if I dyed my hair? KNNBCCB Bro Paul. Fuck off, and stay out of my breathing space. Coz you POLLUTE it you sarcastic son-of-a-bitch.!
I dunno wat is it with teachers. I hate them. I hate them all. They always think of me as this sweet, kind, hardworking person even though I eat and sleep in class, dun hand up my homework, fail my tests, dun care abt what they think of me! I dun fucking give a damn. I AM PISSED! I hate teachers, even if they've been good to me or even teachers like Mr IZ Lim who changed my life for the better. I hate my elder sister, but I dun even hate her as much as I hate teachers. I said before, there's only 1 teacher I do not hate. So teachers can all go to heaven. I'm aiming for hell.

Which reminds me...TAKA roda this Sunday. Which means I can't make it for my sister's wedding dinner. Yeah!

I'm still so freaking angry. All e better, get me in the mood to scold that ass of a dad. He got himself drunk again last night. Can't stand it whenever he gets himself drunk. He looks down on people who can't drink, yet he allows himself to get drunk. Now 1/2 e family's worried if he'll drink himself drunk again on my sister's wedding night. Grr... Isn't he supposed to be smart enough to know his limits... then again, I think I'll not scold him. Just give him the cold war for a few days... If I shout at him again, my mother and sister are going to have a hard time calming us down again.

Daddy, can't u feel my love for you...?

Stupid shit events, spoil the mood. I was so happy at work. At least, when I was running the line. Laughed till I cried...

Sian.. I wanna go out... dun wanna waste my time sleeping.

So pissed by my computer. Keeps hanging... ate my blog.

I'm on a wang wang frenzy these days. Chomping on wang wang biscuits coz I'm trying to collect as many of the stickers as possible... my throat's gonna go soon...

Playing the Xun2 Zao3 Zhou1 Jie2 Lun2 VCD in the living room. Didi lent it to me. But I not watching it. Yet. My heart's racing and I dunno why. Can't seem to calm myself down...

Had an eventful morning after work. Went for breakfast with my didi. He wanted to tell me stuff but I was too busy at work this whole morning, couldn't find time to talk to him. Huimin suggested breakfast so yah that was what I did. Prata stall near his place very the nice. =P k then we went some place to talk. And he told me his life story. And we talked some more... talked alot. Really alot. No one ever told me so much abt himself before coz usually I was the one doing the talking, telling others abt my life. And then... I shall not blog abt the details.

Whatever it was, this boy's special. And I'm really glad I met him. At least, for now. He reminds me so much of my past that I hated so much. Man it always hurts me so much to know of the kind of lives these young boys and girls have to go through. It pains me so much not being able to understand their feelings coz of the wonderful life that I've had and still am leading...

Work this morning was kinda horrid. 2nd day at line auditing and still as slow as ever. 1/2 e time I was worried abt line auditing, 1/4 e time worried abt my line(coz kb king's running it), 1/4 e time worried abt my didi. So whenever I finish my line auditing stuff I would run back to my line to help out. Once it got really messy, and giggs-zai kena CQA. Heartache arh... haai.. but still.. all this while actually I've been doing e wrong things... den I see my partner so dulan... haiyoh I'm a curse man. My line forever so many problems one...

Yet to go to sleep... been a reflective morning... tired...

Sign language course ended earlier today coz it's the exam so I'm home now waiting for time to pass... think I'll do badly coz I didn't revise. Haai.. practising and looking at others signing is so different can... I just couldn't get what the tester was signing...guess I'll not get my cert after all... *sobz* hope the re-test's next week, I wanna get my cert soon!!!

Oh.. did I mention? My tester's really cute.. hehe.. looks gay.. maybe that's why I couldn't concentrate.. *hmm.. *
But he can pronounce words quite clearly unlike my instructor. Maybe he wasn't born deaf...

*sob* my spiders at the side of my blog disappeared...o well...

It really kills me to read Devina's blog. Yeah babe, it hurts "mummy" here whenever you blog abt your mother like that. If I were you I wouldn't give her a chance to treat me the way she treats you. *...sigh...* how can I make life better for you my dear baby...

Ok.. work last night/this morning again. Short one. Really must find time to blog abt work. Beginning to forget wat happened some time ago.. K this morning went ghost-hunting with the girls. It was freaky. Actually I know there's nothing to be afraid of, but I was really really scared. Even liu de hua could tell from far that I was scared. I was like gripping Huimin really tightly, and when she screamed I was the first to run away. Stupid faulty public fone. Stupid Steve who tried to scare me. Ghost-hunting very fun meh? So much time dunno how to use it to rest ah? Go and scare urselves like this...liewz now I dunno how long I need to get over this fear all over again arh...
Budden it was quite funny lah... b4 we went ghost-hunting Huimin spilled dunno wat water on my back so my smock was like super wet behind. Den elmo he saw me after the ghost encounter den he was like laughing say how come my back so wet den I just replied "i urinated can or not?!" Joker can... but really lah, I was quite irritated with the way the guys were laughing at the girls for being afraid of such things... I know I dun look like one who'd be afraid of anything but I really am afraid of ghosts alrite..? grr...

I like ah beng. He confesses his fears. I like liu de hua too. He's nice, and comforting. Steve just pisses me off. *bites him*

Happy Birthday Violet!

yaya..I still owe u ur present...=_=
sorry i'm such a disappointment.

It's been raining...and raining...and raining...

Just now went KWSH sign some verification letter for the survey thingy I did last week. Walked there in the rain in my windbreaker (yup i dun carry umbrellas), den the security guard saw me den he still remembers me! And he so cute can, see me then gave me one stack of tissues to wipe myself dry. Haha... nice old man sia...

After work this morning, walked home in the rain. Used my windbreaker to cover my bag. Den got this guy really funny. I think his umbrella spoil or something, cannot open. So he was using his closed umbrella to like shelter half his face. kuku leh... eventually he gave up. Hahah... amusing. So tired the walk, wanted to close my eyes while walking...

Reached home, so tired but cannot sleep otherwise scared later cannot wake up in time to go KWSH. But while taking my clothes from the cupboard, fell asleep in front of it on the floor for an hour. Den bathe le fell asleep in front of the tv for another 2-3 hours... super tired arh...

k... now can finally go sleep... must find some time to blog abt work... last few days of this beautiful working experience...

Wohoh! Capoeira class today... not too bad...sequences times did meia lua de compasso same side different time. Way cool, more difficult than expected. roda oso not too bad except for the last few. Kept trying the queixada meia lua de frente but failed. Den after class stayed around for very long to try some moves. Armada..Au.. still cannot make it. Must keep trying! Hmm den kept trying handstand, but kept falling. Den got one time I managed to get my legs up and stay there then Herman tried to help den I tink he was trying to support me or something than I just yelled "eh! dun poke!" Created another joke of the day. At one point there were like e 4 of them watching me attempt a handstand. Ok.. so while everyone was trying moves like AU SEMAO (ahem!) and macacao, there I was trying Aus and handstands. And to think this month marks my 1 year in capoeira. I'm still so lousy. But yeah got once I managed to stay up for quite some time but still can't balance without the wall... jiayou!

Ok den suddenly saw tripa lying on the floor in pain. Dun really noe wat happened but see him lidat, I oso feel pain. Dunno dislocate or sprain...

Good training session. I feel worked out. Too bad my dad got friends over. Today never train weights. Must train more 2mr, dat is, if capoeira class not too siong. Roda at Takashimaya next sunday. Devina and Weiwei try to go yah?

Ok.. results are out. I'll soon embark on a new academic life. New life, new song on blog. Sounds nice eh? I'm really loving this song more and more. Last Song by Gackt. Beautiful...

Somehow I can't wait for work tonight. Despite my terrible results, I wanna go back to work and start working and yeah.. I miss my QAs and my didi...already...

Feeling lazy...all week I was thinking of skipping training... but can't lah..

Ok... before I go for class..

My Childhood...And My Life...With my Lao Pa... Part 2
Yep my dad has been teaching us to drink since we were 10. Or at least, when I was 10. He got me used to beer, den we tried wine. And the designer drinks. But I've yet to like Tequila and Vodka kinda stuff. I like beer and whisky.

I didn't know my dad loves rock music. I didn't know he likes Deep Purple and Uriah Heep and Led Zeppelin and stuff. I only knew he has alot of their CDs. I didn't know how they sound. I used to blast music, listen to pop songs really loud to ease my anger. Until one night, I told my dad I wanna go somewhere to listen to loud music. And he brought me to the pub.
Well, that pub was kinda sleazy. Guys were smoking, girls were hugging and being hugged. On some occasions there were pole-dancers. But short, fat and ugly(and back then I had terrible dress sense) me felt ok in there coz haha no beauty to attract irritating company. Guys left me alone. Haha. But my dad and I just went there for the music. The band was cool. I was only 16. My dad was on good terms with the boss of the pub. And with the members of the band. At least, he's on good terms with the guitarist. And I used to like watching the guitarist the most. Then the lead singer. But being the youngest, and furthermore, a girl, it wasn't difficult attracting the attention of the band members. And that's how I got to know the percussionist. Coz of the 4 of them, only he would come to me and talk to me, and show his concern coz then, I was still underage afterall, and most girls would prefer clubbing to this kinda of place.

~Happy Birthday Harry~

Today's the birthday of a very special person. Someone who taught me alot in a mere 2 weeks. Wishing you eternal happiness with your love, for unlike you, I'm still alone in this life at this point of time. But I have already found happiness. Happy Birthday. And God bless you always.

Hi! It's a new day. Finished breakfast, was feeling really full.. but now still chomping on yesterday's Famous Amos cookies.

Wah... what's my mother cooking man... giving me a sneezing marathon...

Oh yah.. my mother wanted to teach me to cook tulang yesterday, but apparantly I got too caught up on blogging, she only called me to help her stir the tulang coz she no strength oredi. 8 kg of goat bones really too heavy for her. Went to the market after work yesterday morning to help her carry the bones back loh... my dad's friend coming over coz the word that my mother cooks great tulang is spreading like wildfire.

It's only yesterday that I got my results back. And I realised how badly I did coz I could have done much better. If I can't enter the university, I have only myself to blame. My mother saw how I studied. I was on the computer all day when I have chem the next afternoon. I quarrelled with my dad on the day before my physics paper. And to think my parents are contented with my results. I feel really guilty. Actually, just so long as I can enter uni, everything is ok with them. But if I can't? Maybe only my dad will be disappointed.

So I'm going to try for Engineering. It's been my interest since young. Mr Lim has made physics a more interesting subject to study. If I make it, I'll study hard. Nag me ppl, nag me. I can take criticism better now. Nag me to study, coz I can't study without nagging. My mother nagged me when I was in sec school. She stopped nagging when I went to JC and this is what I become. Hmm.. maybe this tuesday when I go for sign language lesson can ask Dennis abt his job. He took Mechanical Engineering at NTU. Now he works in the construction industry. My no.2 dream job...

Wonder what I have to learn to be a zookeeper..? Hehe...

Ok.. so I can go for training later. Must remember to draw money for fees...

Ok I just got home not too long ago... and am still feeling kinda happy.

Nope I didn't do well for my A's. Not well at all. Did worse than my elder sis. Feel so pissed by myself. I didn't get the A that I wanted for Maths C. Got a B. Feel that I let Mr Gan down. And a D and E for Physics and Chem. But considering I left almost half my chem paper unanswered and having slept for half an hour during GP and still got a B3, I think this batch students did kinda poorly...? Haai... should have studied... seriously...

I want my younger sis to do well. Really. For once, I want her to do better than me, and do better than my elder sis and thrash her. Xiao mei, jia you! You can do it one!

Was out with Violet after we got our results. Went PS, Carrefour. We passed by these syncronizer(issit?) thingys and I was asking Violet if she could play dem den she was like "quick what song u wanna hear?" And I was like "huh u play whatever song u can play lah.." Then I said play Jay Chou song and she immediately played the song on my blog (dong1 feng1 po4) and I felt like...
Yeah... Heaven is a place on Earth.
Den she played Qing2 Tian1. Feel so blessed can... Violet why on earth do you still consider me your friend when I'm such a useless fella compared to u...

Ok den we went to this open space den got out our drinks. Hehe.. yeah Foster's! Finished a can den my face was like super red. Ok den some klutz spilled her barcadi
on me can... den Violet wanted to go home le. So we went to take cab loh. Den at that time I was intending to meet someone I know. In the end Violet went home herself.

My angel did really well can...feel so happy for him. Congratz angel. *hUgz* and he called me and I told him my lousy results and yah he was kinda disappointed in me but then he got really concerned coz I told him I dunno whether I can go NUS not and he immediately went to ask his teachers for me. So nice can!!! Haiyoh... I'm so lucky... den he called again and was like encouraging me say dun worry I can still try for uni. Aww man.. I could just kiss u but I'll save it for ur girlfriend. hehe...

And I'm going to bed. Tired...

2day's kinda a happy day. Or evening. I shall live in fantasy 2nite. 2mr den I'll allow reality to set in.

Haai.. I tink my didi fell asleep again. Anyway here's the long blog.

With Devina and Emily blogging abt their fathers and mothers a few days ago, and with me getting to know more and more people from single-parent families or broken families, I've come to realise what a lucky yet discontented girl I've been all these years. I've been telling the people at work how close I am to my family, how my parents are not my parents but my closest friends. Anyone who have seen me pubbing with my dad will know and understand that we are no ordinary father and daughter. Anyone who have seen me talking and playing with my mother will know that we are no ordinary mother and daughter. There are children who are close to one of their parents, but to be close to both, quite rare huh? Yet I am one...

Results have proven that in families with 3 children, the middle child is often the one with psychological problems or something, coz parents will tend to favour the eldest or youngest. Of course there's also the gender discrimination, but in my family where all 3 of us are girls, it doesn't apply. And it doesn't apply too in the former situation. Coz I'm the one my parents favour, all because since young, I was the one who learns things faster than my other sisters. Parents.. they still have 1 thing in common. And because all 3 of us never did learn a sport (i.e. ball game) or a musical instrument, and all of us are tone-deaf (thanks to our extremely tone-deaf mother, even our talented singer-cum-ex-band member dad couldn't save us), there wasn't much favourism due to inborn talent. But my elder sis could dart, in jc she was in guitar club, my younger sis had her time with the er hu, and she's a swimmer, unlike me. I tried to learn the guitar and am still trying but u noe, tone deaf people cannot hear the difference between in tune and out of tune. Whatever it was, I knew my parents favoured me. My younger sis sensed it, I knew it, asked my parents about it coz at one time I was pissed off by my dad who didn't seem to understand how much my little sis hates it when he tickles her the way he does. Actually... all this didn't occur to me until I entered CJ. Coz back then, I was still a spoilt brat, more spoilt than I am now...

The 3 of us have a temper problem, thanks to our dad. He's really scary whenever he's angry. But can't blame him. My grandmother's an abuser. She abused her children coz she hates them. My aunt is suffering now because of her. My dad is deaf in one ear because of her (i think) and has this scar that I used to enjoy playing with (when I was still small enough to sit on his lap I will rub my fingers against his scar and he will play with it with me) on his thigh because of her. Surprisingly when the 3 of us were born she loved us, loved us so much more than her own children, which was lucky for us. Anyway the 3 of us have a temper problem. But I was the one with the worst one. I really took after my dad when I was younger. I was the only one born dark, the skinniest at home, I was easily worked up, threw tantrums ever since I knew how to talk. I demanded alot, insisted on alot, and because I was so pampered, I always got what I want. At least, most of the time. Yet despite being the way I am, my parents never could bring themselves to beat me. Even my younger sister got slapped by my dad (sorry dear I brought it up again).

So I was a bad-tempered girl. Whenever my parents said I was bad in any way, I couldn't accept it. I threw tantrums. I get angry, and my parents (esp my mother) will start scolding me, and then she won't dare to say bad things about me coz she's afraid that I'll be angry, not because she's angry with me. But I never did sense her disappointment in me, until 2 years ago...

I had a great childhood. I never learnt a martial art or dance, never learnt to play a musical instrument, never learnt a ball game, not even a sport. Couldn't run, dun even know how to skip (with skipping rope lah yes I'm dat useless). I can't juggle. I can't even sing (yes I dun have the voice). And yes I'm a very quiet person. I dun like to speak up. Coz I can't talk properly. I babble, mumble, coz my dad talks like that too. Not if I can help it. Oh did I mention I have a great childhood? Yup, despite not having any of the above, any of the above that can allow myself an even better life, perhaps more confidence in myself and a more amiable personality, I had a great childhood. Because of the way my parents brought me up. And of course thanks to the jewel of my life, my younger sis, I had the childhood that I wouldn't exchange for anything else.

My Childhood...and my Life...With my Lao Pa
I said my dad loves me, loves us. Since young, all 3 of us kissed our dad very often. My dad would pout, hinting for us to kiss him and we would, on the lips. As we grew older, my elder sis stopped kissing him, insisting that being kissed would give her pimples -_-"". So now only my younger sis n myself kiss him. Yah this kissing thing has been ongoing for a very long time, something rare in modern day Chinese families. It's really something I treasure, something my dad treasures alot too. He'll be upset by it if one day I refuse to kiss him. Anyway back to my childhood. My dad, my younger sis and I have this thing we used to play when I was still small. We call it the 'koala'. My dad will be the tree and my sis and I will start clinging on to his legs and den climb up his body until we reach his arms den can get hug hug and kiss kiss.. Den there are some dads who will carry their children and swing dem in the air? Yup my dad did that too. And the hang me upside down thingy. Then there came my first holiday with my father. I was in primary 4. My dad and I went on holiday. Yup just the 2 of us. My dad would take each of us on holiday, and when it was my turn we went on a 5 day 4 night holiday to Penang and Langkawi. But I fell sick on the 2nd day in Penang. High fever. My dad had to take care of me. But then we went to Langkawi and I got better. And then the fun began. The resort was beautiful, like these log cabins kinda places. Not a hotel. So I really loved the place. + we had single beds. So for the 2 mornings I was there I would find myself half on the bed half on the floor. And the toilet sounds like an elephant everytime we flush it so every morning at 5am when my dad used the toilet I would be woken up by the elephant alarm. My dad remembers it even now. It was hilarious. And I remember the walk by the beach, where my dad covered up every crab hole we passed in the sand. Small kid sia. It was there where he first taught me to use his big professional camera. I shot my first hibiscus. He has the foto and remembers I was the one who took the foto of it. Then there was learning to swim. We would swim our laps, den at the end we would meet at the deep area of the pool and play awhile. Our dad would teach us to float on water, and surface dive, but most of the time we'd be splashing around. Then there was the family outing to the zoo. I was with my dad most of the time coz I had to do a project which requires me to check up on every animal at the zoo. So while my mother was with my aunt walking around slowly, I was with my dad and we had a great time. So many animals are deeply embedded in my memory because they left such a great impression on me. My dad too...Then there was the morning walks in MacRitchie reservoir sometimes.(can't remember how often we did it) But I would always choose to walk with my dad coz he taught me stuff. I saw my first toadstool, learnt abt fungi. My dad fascinated me with his knowledge despite having only a secondary school education. Then we shared a common interest, that was to watch Earthvisions every evening. We would watch, and discuss. But that was during my primary school days. I was quiet, but playful. But I was keen to learn. So my dad liked me alot.
But in secondary school, things started to change. Coz I was alone in a new environment, I often left myself out on things. I let many opportunities slip by. The students there were too smart for me. In sec 1 I struggled. I became anti-social. I kept to myself. I went to school dreading each day, and I went home with a frown on my face. I started talking to myself. I started scarring myself. I started throwing things whenever I got angry and left the mess for my mother to clear. That was the time I got fat and a little muscular due to the push-ups I always had to do during my npcc training days. And my dad started dragging me to the gym to work out with him. So yeah Sec 2 Sec3 I started training with dumbells and got fat arms. My classmates always said my uniform's too small for my arms. Whatever. During that time train weights, dat's why I so short. So yeah at some time I blamed my dad for my height. But in Sec 4, my dad introduced me to pubbing. We went to Sunset Jive and that was our hang out. My sisters tried to go but only I could adapt to the place. That place brought me and my dad close enough for us to be like friends today. Of course, it all wouldn't have happened if Ree-Ha never existed. And also if my dad hadn't taught me to drink since I was 10.



Ok.. can't finish.. going to school to collect results le... hopefully can continue without changing opinion... coming to the part that brought us closer le.. hope we dun drift apart too soon... I know he'll be very disappointed with my results...

My didi has no computer at home! Oh man... and coz I dun like talking on the phone he has to bear with SMSing to me... poor thing... and my fone only can type 160 characters so it's like super slow can... but hai.. wat to do.. =P but he super cute can... can make me 4get that I'll be collecting my results later..

Ok.. part of the conversation..
me : ...I very fat and ugly loh...
didi : u where got fat? okay ma.. u too high expectation le.. n who say u ugly.. u r beautiful in n out.. look not important, ur inner is much important..
this guy very smart horh.. chinese say zhuan3 yi4 da4 quan1 suan1 wo3 (turn one big round and still end up saying I am fat and ugly). But ok lah, I shall pretend to be amused. 0_______O"

Argh... I tink my didi fell asleep while msging. He's taking so long to reply...

I'm not going to sleep... I'm keeping myself awake... for later...

Eat eat eat eat eat...

Lalala... hmm... my didi replied.. so sweet sia say he reply so late coz he praying and he prayed for me too...

I wanna find my CSI video! I fell asleep while watching it.. it better not be erased.. grah..

K brb for my long blog that I promised. If I dun type it before I get my results, I figure my impression will change and I will end up not blogging it eventually..

Ok I fell asleep in the toilet again. So yah now I'm awake again, can cook myself breakfast, watch CSI, den post the long long blog that I always wanted to...

Walked home again just now from Lorong Ah Soo. Initially wanted to take bus home after using the toilet at Serangoon MRT but ended up walking all e way. Can't miss the beautiful sun at Woodleigh... and for the past 2 days, the walk home after work was a peaceful 1 and a half hour to myself, for me to sort out my thoughts.. or even to just walk and not think of anything...

Today reach home 20 mins later than usual time. Walking slower and slower...

My didi at work is the sweetest little darling.. (ok all the lame signs are coming out..) but still I wanna say this. Coz I had such a terrible last hour at work, I was totally bumped out at the end of the morning. And I think my didi realised it so while I was walking home, I received a msg from him asking me why I so moody...guessed that I was worried abt my results. Well... I'm not. The results are fixed. My destiny is fixed. What must happen will happen, whether I do well or not. Whatever it is, it's not the end of the world. Either way it's back to school for me, be it university or repeating my A's in a private school. But yah it was really heartwarming to receive such concern from my didi after such a frustrating night..

K going to go cook breakfast den watch CSI and come back here...

Gackt's Last Song is beautiful.. gonna change e sing on my blog soon...

K lah.. going to work le... TT!

Just back from Kwong Wai Shiu Hospital about an hour + ago.. What I was supposed to do there was to interview the patients regarding the staff. It's actually a survey from MOH, and requires the volunteers to help out coz if e staff interviewed them the results might not be reliable. So yah I went to Ward 7 to interview 6 patients, 4 men 2 women. The first guy was really nice, told me alot of stories as I asked him the questions. Somemore he spoke really good English, for his standard and age. After him was another man who was waiting at the sofa area where I interviewed the first guy. And coz the 2nd guy understood hokkien better, I asked the first guy to stay beside me and help me translate and he helped me really willingly. So nice yah? =) The next few were just ok, just like ask and answer. Then came the last one who's an indian who speaks only tamil or malay. So yah I was stumped. So I got a nurse to come help me translate. Hehe.. it was kinda fun. Coz the nurse was really nice and the indian woman was actually very funny too. I wanna learn malay! Haai... disadvantage of not having grandparents at home...
Everytime after helping out at the hospital, always found myself smiling to myself. My aunt speaks english. Only sometimes in her sub-conscious state does she speak hokkien to me. Much as I wanna learn dialects, still... but I miss the ah mahs and ah gongs at DRC. Ms Soon says she has enough volunteers so I can just go work and then sleep, and she'll call me when she needs me again. =)

Listening to 5566's 2nd album. Some guy at work lent me his cd. I dunno lah, if Wang Ren Fu isn't my no. 2 idol, I wouldn't even be listening man...some of their songs are way weird... their first album collecting dust on my cd rack already.

Nearly fell asleep walking home today. Walk n walk den suddenly my eyes nearly closed. Den got stopped by this woman to change notes to coins. Went into 7-11 wanting to buy something to wake me up, but didn't in e end. Wanted to take bus budden I oredi reach the bus stop at my house oredi. Yah but today walk longer though it felt as though the distance shorter.

Devina : There's no way I can put the post back. I didn't cut and paste it somewhere like I do with my work entries. It's gone, whether u'll be mad at me or not.

Sleepy.

I feel... a little wee bit accomplished. Coz I walked home after work today! Took the factory bus to Lorong Ah Soo den walked home from there. In my JNCO pants. Just as well, they take the place of my weights. I can walk home from work everyday now~ Got off the bus around 7.15am. At Olive's place it was 7.45am den when reach home 8.35am.

Ms Soon just msged me this morning while I was still walking home. Hehe.. she so cute can, dunno whether she noticed the typo not. She msged me "Ms Soon, can u help in KWS Hospital tmr say 5:30pm to 8pm". Hehe.. my surname is Tan loh.. but we always dispensed with the formalities can... haha... wahahhahahaa... anyway yeah! So excited. Dunno what I'll be doing larh but hope it's something fun. I miss going down there.. even if it's across the road.