k was crazy over Constantine Maroulis for awhile there. started d/ling his performance songs. I think the more I hear his last song the more i like the song. On the other hand, I think Nickleback's songs are really nice. Now have another Nickleback song to add to my list. The other song, Slow Motion, also not bad.

I think I'm not in a good mood tonight. Just yesterday my fav Constantine Maroulis didn't make it to the final 5. Tonight Steffy from Survivor Palau got voted out, and it just sucks coz it's just so unfair coz she played so hard. Then again the immunity challenge didnt really give her a chance to showcase her strength. And double then again, majority of the people in this tribe really sucks. A million dollars would not do steffy enough justice for bearing with their shit. Going home and being loved by her wonderful family and friends would be the best for her I feel. She has gotten herself this far. She's proud of her achievements and I for one cant bear to see her having to tolerate koror any further. I hope Ian wins this crap. I cant stand the girls in the tribe. They're so dumb.

Argh I never followed reality tv shows. And this time when I actually watch a series i see this kind of shit.

Following this disappointing episode of survivor is my 11pm - 12am slot of jap anime. I love this time of the day(night) the most. But today's episode of both Inuyasha and Shaman King was made utterly disappointing and extremely frustrating by this marquee that was advertising the screen asia show. FUCK YOU ARTS CENTRAL CREW. I KNOW NO JAPANESE SO I RELY ON THE SUBTITLES A LOT AND YOU FUCKING WENT AND COVERED THE SUBTITLES AND HAVE YOUR ADVERTISEMENT SCROLLING ACROSS THE SUBTITLES FOR A DARN FUCKING 3 TIMES!!! I COULD HAVE FUCKING CURSED YOU ASSHOLES!

so for the darn 30 seconds of each slot i couldnt understand what the heck the characters were saying. and they always had to choose the climax to cover the subtitles. I was so fucking pissed i was yelling my head off my mother thought what happened to me.

I love my mother. I love my dad. I love my sis. I love my aunt too.
I once thought that before I die, I would wanna fall in love with a guy(or a girl), be in a proper relationship at least once, doesnt matter if it doesn't last. Guess that dream I had a couple of days back did get me thinking. For now, I only wanna be able to find a job, work and earn enough money to return my father what he has lent me over the past 2-3 years for me to buy, do, get what I want. Then I'll be able to die without regrets. It doesn't matter to me if I should be missed by anyone, or be remembered by anyone. Or be known by anyone that I've passed on. My friends can find out 10, 20 yrs later that I died 10-20 yrs ago. People who still owe me money today can keep that money and feel guilty for the rest of their lives for not paying me my money when I was alive hahahahaa...

yep so I cant die now which means I cant miss my exams either though it sure feels like my exams are over.

Oh yah... I'm devastated too coz when I arrived in hall in the afternoon the hossan leong poster was still in the tv lounge but when I left i wanted to take it along but it's gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whatever. I'm going to see him Live anyway. Hahahaa......


I needa stop playing ROSE. At least, till after my exams.

woh i nearly threw my bottle of lacquer on the floor. glass bottle leh... heng i felt the bottle in the bag... otherwise...

new creation completed today. actually not really new. just a different colour combination. result not bad. =) will post pic of it after it's given to its owner.

went back hall to move back more stuff. 1 backpack 2 bags full of stuff and still I'm not done. but i cleaned the fan n swept the floor abit. =) and i went home by bus and train. nope no cab. =)=)

i still havent started learning cooking... =(

Constantine's out! Omigod I cant believe it! Me and my Big Mouth! (or rather Fat Fingers)...

o_O

haai... so sad...

I never really like Bo Bice's style of performing i.e. running around with the mike stand and not concentrating on his vocals (not that they aint good enough). I mean he real cute and I'd like to hear him properly for once. He just has all this energy that I cant feel watching from miles away in front of my tv. I always thought Constantine Maroulis was my kind of performer. But Bice sang this song yesterday that's still stuck in my head. Guess that's what so good about him, being able to sing songs in the way that connects with people, and this way Maroulis loses out...

here's part of the song... really nice...

"...I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by a deadly crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one to notice?
I can't be the only one who's learned

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think about me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me..."-- I Don't Wanna Be by Gavin DeGraw

Search the reality of this song. Quite a few of my friends (and me included) can really connect with this song... agree...?

That aside, I had a weird dream last night. Actually is 1 weird dream and 1 sub-conscious dream. Wonder if any of u had that kind of sub-conscious dreams.. the kind whereby u feel awake but u just can't move any part of your body. Almost like there's something pressing on you so no matter how hard you struggle u can't break free. I have it countless of times, at 1st I get very scared I would yell myself awake, but now, I just relax everytime I feel it, and wait for it to go away. In this kind of sub-conscious dreams, I hear voices, sometimes very scary sounds, sometimes feel very violent shakings, sometimes pain. But last night, I died in my sub-conscious dream. It felt weird. Strangely peaceful. How many of you dreamt of yourself dying before? I cant remember much from the dream. I didn't even go to heaven or hell. Just the dreaming part of me knew I died. I didn't even struggle to stay alive. Wasn't even upset that I died. Then I roughly woke up for a while knowing I'm out of that sub-conscious state, before almost immediately slipping into the 2nd dream. This dream was different, because in this dream, I was dreaming, den I woke up from my dream's dream, and continued dreaming, and again I can't remember what happened in this dream.

Well, I woke up early again today, 6am. Went marketing with my mother again this morning. 3rd day in a row, just that today we didn't go to the wet market, we went to another shop near my house where my mother can get her groceries all the same, and I was pretty much walking around looking for my own stuff. They were playing Guang Liang's new cd, the one with Tong2 Hua4. The songs quite nice arh, makes you wanna fall in love, to love and be loved...

Haha but still doesn't apply to me. =P

Then thought about some stuff. I've been losing alot of things. And alot of things cannot be replaced. 2 nights ago the 9pm chnl 8 show, Fann Wong got very uptight over the missing horse from her chess set. Then said that many things cannot be replaced. Her acting was really fake larh, but what she said kinda woke me. I lost many things in my life, things I consider very precious to be. things that my important friends gave to me. yesterday I tried to borrow a watch from my dad to bring to m'sia, and he just had to remind me that I lost my watch, and had to ask over and over how I lost it, why I lost it. He just keeps forgetting I'm a girl and a sensitive one too. sigh...

Hold on to what u have now, things, friends, family, everything. And if you have friends or family who are sick, unwell, injured or even suffering, help them to your very best. If there's no way of helping, den at least hope for the best, coz in such situations where u're really helpless, ur believe in them and hope for their recovery will mean alot to them.

take care peepz. needa go mug on my chinese. eeks.

I'm back at home! Since yesterday.

I went marketing wif my mother today! get to know all the sell chicken sell te bak sell vege aunties n uncles n "korkor!"s haha.

I sat in the bathroom while my mother bathe my aunt today. Gonna try out another impossible maybe in e nxt 2 days.

I havent helped my aunt to her potty once today.

I was playing R.O.S.E the entire day. I now have a lvl 11 iNuijUiCe and a lvl 4 sMellmyfaRt.

I slept a whole 10 hours in the afternoon after waking up at 4am this morning.

What a day.

I didnt want to blog until i had the time to place these pics at e side.. but i cant control anymore. i just had to come and announce my stupidity.

MaN I FUCKING TOOK 3 FUCKING HOURS TRYING TO SOLVE A VERY FUCKING SIMPLE PHYSICS QN!!
All because i thought i was so smart added 1 to the number of slits in the diffraction grating. sheesh could have settled it in like 3-5 mins! grr...

anyway below are the pics again...




they just cheer up my miserable days in hall during study...

i juz had to come here...

MUTHAFUCKING BLOODSUCKING MOZZIES! HOPE U DRINK SOME POISONOUS BLOOD N ROT IN HELL!!!

grr...

was so covered in mozzie bites i showered in e afternoon and now i'm in long sleeves n long pants and yes the mozzies are biting my feet!!!

AGAIN!!

k major paper 2mr. cya ~

think i wasn't dat awake after all. juz an hour ago i stole an hour to nap so now i'm feeling so much better. i was feeling so haunted by this bad feeling of frustration n worry n dunno what else i couldn't calm myself down to study.

aaahhh bliss of 60mins of sleep.

I love my sis. she made my empty hostel feel like home just with dat few hours of her presence. had the best breakfast in hostel, even though all we ate were instant food.

gonna watch a lil tv later if i can get hold of the tv lounge n den start mugging again.

KANINABEICHAOCHEEBYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

do u know that the mosquitos that suck ur blood are females? i wonder if they haf cheebyes coz yah KNNBCCB!! juz when i wear long pants hoping to protect my legs from getting bitten the damn mozzies had to fuckanadedly bite my toes!!! wah lau eh i hate insect bites that cause itches sia...

on a lighter note...
i'm finally done with the computing lectures.

but sadly,
took me longer than i planned so yah i'm fatally behind in my preparations for physics n chem which are right after my computing paper.

WHICH IS LESS THAN 24HRS AWAY!

and shit...
i cant even remember 1/2 of what i'm supposed to know.

I'm hungry sia. slept at 4.30am this morning and by 7.30am i was up and kinda awake. (of course finishing the computing lectures added on to my excitement so the more awake i became.) waiting for my sis to wake up and haf breakfast together. meanwhile.. i shall continue feasting on her chocolates. hahahaa...

k gonna hafta finish computing before sundown. wish me luck in achieving the impossible! take care..

i had this weird dream this morning. note: this morning.
i woke up at 6am today. fell asleep with my computing textbk i think ard 12am which is awfully early. went to wash up, den continued reading my computing notes and as expected before i finished 1/2 a page, i slipped off into dreamland again...

i was surrounded by 3 laptops, namely mine, von's n my roomie's. i dunno wat i was doing man, but one of the laptops had supposedly JJ Lin's Mu Nai Yi MTV. I dun even noe how the song sounds like(well now i noe and it's different from the one in my dream) but the mtv looked like some milk commercial filmed in Egypt. Den i was trying to fix von's laptop coz i spoilt something in it n dunno why i kept going back to my roomie's laptop... i was starting to think if it was a dream when i woke up.

omigod what a weird dream.

man can't wait to get computing over n done wif. i still have 6 lectures to listen to. geez.. gonna miss taka roda 2day. in fact i've been missing capoeira for 2 whole months and 2-3 more months to come. haaiz...

-*contents deleted due to over-offensive contents wif regard to ppl in my sec sch cca*- Anyway...

i'm thankful to cj odac, even though as usual i'm not close to them and i dont intend to maintain the friendship. and i'm grateful to ntu for this second chance.

thank you mr lim, and kelvin, n mh, for reminding me to appreciate my parents. i hated my parents when i was in sec sch. but i've come to appreciate them during my 2 yrs in jc, and now i owe every good thing i have to them. they've been very supportive in all that i do. I LOVE U MOTHER n DADDY~!

and I LOVE U MIN MOST OF ALL~~~

kk waste enough time le. argh time to listen to honkee lecturer again...

P.S. 7th Heaven's quite a nice show sia.. watched it wif yq just now while i was waiting for my laundry. she's been watching it since sec sch.. my gosh.. den again i wasnt the family girl in sec sch, i'd probby not like the show any more than i'd like it now.

heyo~ wonder who still comes here coz the taggy's been quiet for an awfully long time... i tink if i were to put a counter at the side, i would be the one adding to the number of visits to this site.

which explains why i never had a counter in e 1st place.

but i also have comment links at the end of each post, as well as a chatterbox. which seems to be untouched.

anyway, had a bad day. maths paper was bad. den went shopping at ntuc. bought ham n beef n vege. and the aloe vera crap which i juz used when i showered. i hope it lightens the scars without making me any fairer. i dun wanna lose this little tan that i have. actually i wouldnt have gone shopping if ck hadnt asked me if i was free for a gathering. but still...

yup cooked today. 1st time cooked beef. beef strips. not very nice lah. think when i go home after exams i cook again for my mother to try den see how she can help me improve. wonder how gary's gonna finish the food. haha.. ck's sandwich nice ah but my share of the food...hmm...

so 2day didn't end as bad as it could be i guess. it was fun cooking wif ck. though he quite tired le. heh den watch tv. den i left. so ke lian coz the food i planned to cook quite shi1 bai4 ah so after i left he still hungry. but thanx ck for ur time n stuff~ another entry into my ophir journal...

actually.. i dun really have an ophir journal. but i have every memory in my mind. memories that i really treasure. i have alot of great times wif my ophir mates. every single one of them gives me a different feeling, but they just make me feel so happy, like purely happy. when i'm around them i can just forget every sad thought n enjoy for the moment. except wif jng. but that's another story coz he's like running a league on his own. L is just great lah i can just tell him everything and anything. i dun feel the need to hide my emotions, when i'm sad, i show it. when i'm angry, he takes it. when i'm happy, we share it. today, he even bought me this tezuka keychain. it's not my favourite character lah but still the thought's so sweet lah.. haha now wif my sketch on my laptop, the copy of the sketch on my hall table, my POT stickers, and that keychain hanging on a pin on my table board, ppl walk in n say "u like anime alot hor." haha. actually i dun really understand anime. i juz like the characters coz they're all cute.

i like being a girl. =) can look at cute anime characters. and act girly. haha. yet still be alrite being the boyish me. =P

thanx L for ur keychain. i'll keep it lah. won't gif my sis. i'm not that unappreciative of presents from friends.=)

diaoz...another long post...

actually this thought came to my mind very often. why do i blog? am i really this comfortable writing things and publishing it to the world? i dunno.. but i've been blogging for more than 3 yrs now. i write alot in my blogs. things i learnt. things i dun like. how i feel. what i did. alot of boring stuff. but some times i do like the things i write. some remind me of my past. some reminds me of my bad points. some let me feel good about myself. some 1st times i go through, some happy thoughts, some experiences, some setbacks. alot of stuff. i wonder what would happen should i one day stop blogging?

will my sis visit my site one day n realise my blog's not there anymore den run to me and ask me to start blogging again?

haha.

i really type alot of things in my blog leh. i always try this de. i use yahoo search for some things i type in my blog before,ie ppl's names, places i went to, things i did, and my blog appears. it's freaking scary sometimes. but i still like blogging.

even though my blog looks plain n boring, i like it. coz i did it myself. not as nice any other blog, but that's me. u hafta be able to look beyond the simple layout to be able to find the interesting side in me.

yep. i really should b studying. computing's up nxt. haai. sianz.

oh yah, sis ah, my roomie's home for e weekend. if u not working can come find me~

*sobz* once again the pharmacy auntie saleswoman comes up to me and says my complexion is terrible. and it doesnt help that i haf 2 extra huge broken pimples in the centre of my face. den she recommended me this aloe vera crap which i was looking for for quite some time...
1st time i buy things hoping it would cure my skin sia..

maths was a killer. i'm gonna cook my heart out 2nite den continue studying..

i still love u violet~ dun care wat others say abt u, dun care how badly they treat u, u're great in my eyes and it will always stay that way!

so sorry, i just had to blog abt this.

oh yah, i'm blogging under e table now coz i put my laptop under the table so that most of the time i wouldn't be playing on it. yah.

just now went downstairs to buy stationery. my house got nice stationery shop sia, so long nvr go there buy things le. bought my mother this cute eraser. see her smile, so cute, wanna pinch her cheeks but we separated by the table and she got an oil covered frying slice in her hand. haha.

anyway, passed by the post office just now to help sis post a letter. den i saw the posters on taufik's teddys n stamps. aaaahhhh. i wan sia. i dun need 4 bears, just 1 brown 1 white can le. or just the brown one is enough. wonder if there's anyone out there willing to sell at cheaper price after they've used them to meet taufik. =P heh stamps oso can. lala. :P

kk back to studies. time's running out.

i'm just so lucky when it comes to friends these days. few days ago i got that wonerful surprise from violet. today, i received a letter from my angel. it's so touching coz we seem to have this communication barrier btwn us so in order to bridge the gap, he wrote me the letter.

my friends are such sweet darlings...

thank you guys n gals so much.

that aside, i didn't study much today. spent a hell lot of time on computing yesterday. listening to the computing lectures. could have laughed my head off. haha then today had a marathon of laughing again. 3 hours of tv, 3 hrs of funny shows. now watching CSI later continue study.

take care~

exams are less than a week away! and i'm horrified at my pace sia. i'm still stuck with computing. a hell lot of work for maths. even more for physics. given up on effective comm.(it's probby a trend man, i do badly for subjects that i have textbooks for, whether i bought or borrowed them.) but since i could bring in a dictionary for ucc, dat's one thing less to worry abt. just that ucc's gonna be really hard i guess. and in addition to the recent events in the house... i'll probby be on the verge of going nuts...

but dear violet just had to be the sweetest friend...

i still cant believe it. I have Prince of Tennis jigsaw puzzle in my home! and it's MINE!!!
can u imagine the work, the time, the effort. and just like her, there are holes in it.. hahah... yeah girl we ain't perfect. but we aint giving up either.

that's not all...

these are so cute lah.. o yah. i'm such a chor lor za bor. i actually tore the plastic wrapper while trying to get it out to take the photo..

i just had to include this... dun Inui just look so charming...? *daydreamland...*

Thanks so much Violet!!

which reminds me... i've been so caught up with sch and family these days, i'm really neglecting my friends. esp gerline n huimin... so sorry ah...i'll make it up to u all after my exams... so sorry for the insincerity...

now.. it seems my 1st yr in ntu is quite screwed. last yr during the exams, i just had to fall sick. no voice, coughing day in day out before during and after the exams. plus i had to juggle my sign language class outside too. but now i do not have sign language lessons(btw d msged yesterday said he saw me in Signal! sheesh. yah and their class have started man i wish i could do it but seriously my studies are quite worrying this sem.). instead, my poor aunt fell and cracked her right shoulder so her every movement requires assistance. good that i won't worry that she walk around on her own den she fall down again, but now she's on the bed the whole time, cant get up when she wants to. so my mother gave her this bell thingy so every time she needs help the bell will ring. i spent a night awake the friday i came home. didn't sleep until 7am. but i didn't study much either. every hour i had to check on her. haai. and we(my mother and I) have to bear with her complaints and temper. my mother really very poor thing sia... coz my aunt very scared i angry so she wont say alot of things to me, but she complain alot to my mother so my mother have to bear with a lot more shit than i do... then now everytime the bell rings more than once i'll wonder why my mother still not there wonder what my aunt need now den i'll just stop work and get to her.
i cant study when i keep thinking about her larh...
and i don't have the heart to study outside either...
my mother really very xin ku...

i've lived my life with pain since i could 1st feel pain. 2 yrs old i had my 1st 7 stitches on my left eyebrow. i ran my head into the corner of a stool. 9 yrs old i got scalded by boiling water(the treatment was the most painful ever. if you know what qing1 cao3 you2 i.e. herbal oil is, the treatment was like pouring qing cao you over patches of raw skin.) 10yrs old i had my virgin sprain which never totally healed. 15yrs old i cracked my left ankle(that time i could still travel home by bus from jurong east.) sec sch was also the time when my joints started giving me problems. and also the time when i got tons of mozzie bites thereby starting my "pastime" of accumulating mozzie bites and cuts on my arms n legs. my daddy would complain of pain if he had a paper cut, but at that time, i was already carving words on my hands with a penknife yet feeling more pleasure than pain. (imagine my kind of depression.) jc days were most painful sia. muscle aches, cuts and abrasions and lacerations from falls from cycling trainings. odac and capoeira brought me quite a fair share of injuries. twisted ankles and shoulders, bumps on head (coz of handstands), and the most recent 12 stitches on my left eyebrow(again). Long history of injuries. my sis asked me how come my tolerance level for pain is so high coz to her, every little bit hurts. guess the pain i experienced when i was undergoing treatment for the scalds was too intense. nothing could be more physically painful than that. except maybe a car accident or a bullet wound.

but still, nothing's more painful than seeing my mother n aunt suffer day after day after day. and it doesn't help that my aunt cant tolerate pain. i cant take the pain for her. but i learn alot from her. how to take care of the elderly. i'll take care of my parents when they're old. i'll wash them, cook for them, i'll work and bring home money for them. my sis can be blissfully married and have an excellent career. den she'll bring home money too. and love. i dun need to get married. i dun want to either.

i've no interest in guys watsoever. no trust rather. guys that appeal to me either have a feminine side, or they're just not straight. unless they're either blind or deaf. so unless s'pore approves of lesbian marriages, i'll probby remain single the rest of my life. then again.. i dun even noe if i'm straight or u noe wat.. blablabla...

oops.. long post again. gotta go back to my studies. before my aunt rings the bell again..

take care everyone. all those taking exams, ALL THE BEST!

Omigod I'm so lucky.

u noe. i dun need a whole lot of friends. i'm blessed enough with just u. thank you so much for what u did!!! u noe who u are. (",)

i love sweet surprises. i love myself for loving sweet surprises. i love how i'm able to appreciate such effort if these surprises come to me.

i love the people who put in this effort even more.

thank you so so so so so much!!!

but i hope that the smile on ur face knowing i'm happy will last longer. u deserve it. u really do.

Omigod. y arent u as lucky as i am...

please allow me to vent my frustrations here.

i am friggin' pissed wif my effective comm tutor. she sucks big time. and i'm not any better. i'm always going out of point sia.. and the part that went out of point had to be my slide presentations. i dun blame anyone but my ignorance n carelessness. and she just doesnt try to understand our presentation simply said coz it's not clear. graah...

but o well.. so i caused the grp to get a friggin' C for oral presentation. i noe i mentioned that it doesnt matter wat grades we get so long as we pass... C's a pass. but i still have to thank my grp members for the good tv review hopefully the C for our presentation wont affect us dat badly.

I hate effective comm. grr...

on a happier note. i attended physics 1 lect today. hope the prof aint too traumatised by what happened. he did seem rather distracted. poor guy.

and i watched a nice movie. =)

screw eff com. just hope my language can help me pull through. sorry jf i hafta let u down coz eff comm really not my kinda module.

wah my past blog entries so long. this one short one. coz 2mr got quiz. alot to study.

mother daddy ganbatte! today really xin ku ni men le~ mother muz rest well wor otherwise wait too tired den cannot take care of gugu le...

so proud of my mother today. *muackz*

Another day passed. And I'm still stuck with optics. I must study harder nia...

What's in the news? Pope John Paul II's passing and on the far end of the world, MSU.

after all, i spent 2 yrs in a catholic school. it's not much, but i've learnt abit. i'm happy in his passing, happy that he has done so much, achieved so much, he has led a fruitful life. it's not sad. he has found his way home. it's not like he's young. he's so old. it would be quite mean to want him to live longer. *respect*

i wonder if i'll ever find mine when i go...

And now.. MSU. i never liked this show. but this yr i kinda made myself sit through the entire 2 hrs. or was it shorter? anyway, this yr my dad n sis went too. my sis was even all dolled up for it. i know why my dad didn't approach me to go. coz in terms of looks n appearance n image, i'm no where near my sis. sometimes i just dun understand how the 2 of us could be so different. makes me wonder if i'm really their child. but my mother will be upset if she knows i think this way. so ya so be it.

image can be cultivated. if there be someone who deserves it, den i will try something new. otherwise, i believe in comfort. haha. no point putting myself through this torture.

my sis n i are still closer than ever despite our differences. that's all that ever matters. *muackz lil sis*

on the other hand, it freaking disgusts me whenever my parents tell me abt my other sis. it friggin' pisses me off that they dun allow me to annouce her absence in this family. so here i am. i'm annoucing to the world.

Elder sis, dunno whether u still come here. I admired u. U survived on your own money during your uni life. ur hostel stay, ur studies, u worked n studied at the same time. probby that's why u're struggling so hard to make ends meet now. if u could save ur money then, life would probably be better for u. Unlike me, living off my parents like a parasite. I envied u, how u have so many guys after you, how u're so strong to climb back up despite how badly some of them treated you. Unlike me, there's just this obstacle in between that's stopping me from revealing myself, and be a more likeable person. I felt angry with mother n daddy, for you, when u were wif ur husband, they were so illogical, so selfish, only thinking of the best for them, not the best for you. I understand why you behave the way you did, from when u were younger till when u moved away. Put me in your shoes and i wouldn't be home now. I probably wouldn't be studying. I'd be worse, smoking, drinking, arcade, maybe working. My hair's still short though. and today it just got even shorter.

she once told me, all she ever wanted when she was small, was to have long hair. everything else that my parents didn't allow her then yet allowed us now, didn't matter that much to her. she only wanted so little. yet because she was the eldest daughter, all that could have been avoided happened...

i'll end the story of my elder sis here. she's not that bad a person. i still have hope that she's not all that bad. just that, dun be alarmed when i intro to others that i only have 1 other sis. she's still alive. i just no longer know of her whereabouts. sorry if i acted immaturely at first.

wow. long blog. but yah coz after this need to study le. so gonna get my thoughts down 1st.

next, my hideous legs. why do i bold the words? coz they really are hideous. so you can DONT READ unless you're alrite with gross issues.
many people admire girls' legs. long legs short legs can be beautiful, can be an asset. thought it would be alrite to be short? not in my case. i've been looking at my legs alot these days. sometimes i dunno what to feel about them. to those who have seen them: ever wondered why they always seem covered with fresh wounds? it's like since pri sch, after i got my 1st bout of rashes, i've been scratching them ever since. then in sec sch, coz of npcc camps, sandfly n mozzie bites were plentiful, and i never let them heal. i pour peroxide over them, watch the wounds foam, and it wasn't long before the pain i felt became the medicine to my depression then in sec sch. everytime i had a new mozzie bite, i'd scratch it till it rips, bleed, and then i'll keep peeling it everytime i'm angry or sad. people tell me i'll regret it when i get old. i told them i wouldn't. i was in love with my scars, they were all i had then.
even now, i guess it had turned into a habit. and there are many that can never entirely heal. there are the ones that are caused by mozzie n sandflies, there are those caused by me falling when i 1st learnt cycling, there are the ones i got when i ran through resams in m'sia. and of course there are the ones caused by my knife. a couple of guys actually looked at them and said "ur legs looked like they've been through war and torture."
fyi, those guys are my friends lah. and i know they said it jokingly. besides, if my legs went through war, wouldn't they be gone ie. blown up instead? hahahaa
but there's a tinge of truth in it. and well, i can only live with it. since they're impossible to heal unless i undergo some laser treatment or something.

on a side note, i hope ppl who've only seen me once, and then end up looking for me a second time, really mean look for me, and not look for me, be nice to me, only to know they've been talking to the wrong person all the while, or are getting to know me just to know someone else. i'll be pissed enough for murder.

ok enough said. time to study.

I nearly lost count. It has been 38 days since I lost my carabiner watch. This watch, given to me supposedly, by my class. But in actual fact, it was given by a friend who made a difference to my life. And I remember how she got the idea, of giving me something I really needed, even though it never crossed my mind to want something like that.

I can't wear watches. I can't bear to have anything more than a rubber band round my wrist. my skin's sensitive too. they'll break out in rashes. it could be just my imagination, but then again...

I used to have these 3 casio watches. And I took out the strap, tied to watch to a string, and carried it in my hand whenever I go jogging. That was during my jc days. and at times, my only companion would be violet.

Dat time it was nearing my birthday, she asked me what I wanted. I cant remember what I said, but she saw my watch in dat dire state and asked me if i wanted a watch. I told her I cant wear one. So she suggested getting a carabiner watch. I'm not in the habit of receiving expensive presents from ppl other than my parents. But she was serious about it, and on my birthday, there it was.

It was nicer than I thought. =)

Soon after, it went with me everywhere I went. von even called it the expedition watch. yup, true enough, it was with me every time i'm faced with a physical or mental challenge. coz it was on my bag, everytime i fell into a river, it fell with me. everytime i made it to the summit of a mountain, it went up with me. every exam after i got it, i brought it into the exam hall with me.

it's more than a want now. it has become a need.

but this need does not apply only to the watch. i need the person who gave it to me too.

few days ago, we had a long chat. from where we were, far apart, we couldn't understand each other, yet we know how each other felt in our respective situations. alot of people tell me their problems. they tell me their secrets too. because i can keep secrets well. (well so much for a recognised strength) but few like her tell me problems i can relate too, and she for one, is able to relate to me. she's like the only person i know who can understand why i feel the way i do. It was a depressing chat, the way we were saying, but it was one full of thoughts...so much reality... so sad... so pessimistic... yet there i was trying to feel hopeful...

2 days ago was April Fools Day. I remember this day. 2 years ago, Leslie Cheung flew a kite. And she got so depressed she skipped school. She wrote songs. But she studied even harder. But still the results didn't show, and so everyone still thought of her as one who doesnt study, one who's lazy and negative and blablabla. everyone, except me, still feeling hopeful...

these days, dunno why, she's always bumping into obstacles so tough for her to overcome on her own. and her friends dun seem to be helping her. (not that i am) I wish i could.

i wish people would look beyond what they see or hear, look into a person's heart for once. coz after that one time, you would just look into the person's heart forever.

My laptop's fixed! Yep and I didn't even have to ask other ppl for help. In fact, I dun even know how I did it. haha... luckily it's only a small probby. shuai ge andy once told me should anything happen to my laptop just use that cd and so I did and now it's fixed!

exams are in a week! so sorry to all my friends outside of ntu, i'll just reject ur invitations to go anywhere coz must devote to studies coz i'm in real deep shit this sem sia.

oh yah.. to all of you who thought i'd skip friday's lesson coz i went home on thursday night to get my laptop fixed :
I WENT FOR PHYSICS TUTORIAL ON FRIDAY! and to add on to that, I ATTENDED PHYSICS LECTURE AFTER TUTORIAL! though i was yawning and not paying attention half the time, at least something went in. A/P Rusli even showed us some inductors. cool man. can't believe i skipped so many of his lectures.

i've decided to skip capoeira classes last month, this month, and the next. gonna be like last last yr sia. and i'll miss batizado too.

sometimes i really hate myself. not myself as a whole, but my bod. my built. i really hate it. this stinkin' body is restricting me from the many things i wish i could do. play well in capoeira, bouldering, even jogging or trekking. i hate how i'm just so unable to find my balance points. i hate how my body is so heavy. i hate how i get hungry so easily. why is it that my mental strength can be strong enough to put me through physical torture, yet not strong enough for me to succeed in dieting?

and now, i'm even skipping sign language classes, coz of the exams.

i tell u blog, if i do badly for this exams, u'll see more cuts on my arms and legs. i'll be so friggin' pissed with myself for this laziness in me. graaahhhhh...

why can't i be the least bit like Sadaharu Inui...? Someone make him come to life please, then maybe he'll threaten me with vegetable juice or something, or come up with a study-cum-training progamme, make me work harder...

edit: yeah finally changed the song! haha now got video to watch too..