wahhaaa i can become timex ambassador or something liao... according to my sis...

ever since i lost my timex watch, i tink alot of ppl noticed my nick for the nxt 130 days or so...
den now.. my birthday not even here yet... i oredi got 2 timex watches...

1 watch courtesy of mass sign comm n rsphi comm...
the other is a really nice karabiner watch of the exact same model that i lost except the colour's super girly now... courtesy of Violet n Huimin...

am i really someone who can't keep up wif time? maybe i'm late for too many things too many times le... or something...
watever. thanks everyone ! aiyo so gan dong...

i'm home! just now went toa payoh express kfc meet my sadeaf classmates. one of them compiled e ndp fotos n videos for us. awww man i wish i was there wif them sia... he's so sweet made a powerpoint for the event den got captions somemore... den even i not inside he oso put my name in.. aaahhh... haai miss them so much sia...

hmm.. din noe i sprained my ankle so badly(actually it's not that bad lah just not as minor as the frequent twists). tot after this morning will ok liao but the entire day i couldn't put too much stress on it coz e joint still feels kinda weak. grr... hope it recovers for my jog 2mr...

today's lab was frustrating. i understood yet i was tested on the one i wasn't sure. and the prof didn't even give me a chance. grr. irritating prick.

i'd be so darn surprised if i could get a D for lab this sem. been screwing up every single one.

went jogging just now wif hai, zz, yeok, darren & yx. but was wif hai n zz for half the jog. quite fast sia.. super shagged. after dat while walking back i twisted my ankle until now still trying to click the joint back.. hmm...

oh i signed up for Stong. if it's confirmed i'll miss the SBR... haai...

I must have been a great person in my past life, to be this lucky now...

juz came back from ktv wif yeok, hai & zz. i always feel abit weird hanging out wif them coz of the age gap. but they juz make u feel so comfortable..

the 3 of them, plus rsphi comm, made me a very lucky girl 2nite. u know wat... they got me a dark blue & green timex watch. they wrote me a card. zz chose it de. abit too girly for my liking lah but still, thanks so much...

even though the timex can never replace the one that violet got for me... i'll still treasure it alot... i'll find some other way to wear it...

thanx all of u... haai... i nvr asked for anything...

I'm awake & alone in my hall room. My roomie din come back last nite. Hehe. cool ya.

Had lotsa fun yesterday while waiting for e freshies' dccl course to finish. played this fortune telling thingy. super hilarious. laughed till i cried. it has never been this fun to be teased at before...

until...

reality struck again.

wherever i go, i meet guys wif shallow hearts. i wonder how ppl can bear to work wif an ugly person like myself. ppl who cant stand my face, yet still have to consider me as part of the wrkgroup. i salute all of u.

to my other ch especially, i tink he has really high tolerance towards ugly girls. to b able to withstand me. my face. my weird antics. u're good. so i'll promise to bear with any insults aimed at me, at my ugly self, be they intentional or not.

the taboo game came at the right time...

wanting me to keep quiet... i've been like that for 18 years of my life... it's sad how easy it is for me to go back to who i was...

another friend told me that i shldn't keep brooding on the past... because it's the present that matters, and it's now that i'm happy and able to achieve...
be it motivation, perseverance, or even just trying out new things... this friend has taught me much.. the group of us were joking about him during our games... i was laughing too but i felt really bad...
hope i'll find that kind of motivation that u had...

i'm really blessed actually, with a family that i have. my mother cooked pineapple rice for me. juz coz i said i missed it. i dunno how much it took for her to cook it.. but she even dug out a pineapple so that she could bake the rice in a real pineapple, juz as i requested. Not just that, but because i dun like fish, there was NO FISH on the dinner table last nite. instead, she cooked fish fingers, the kind that I like to eat. Aaaaahhh... i felt like the luckiest girl on earth yesterday.

my sis actually came to tell me abt a talk she had with my mother. she said my parents agreed that i looked the nicest of the 3 of us. what she doesn't know is how it hurts me to hear the same words every year, because if i(who have been called "ugly" by every single guy and most girls i meet) look the nicest, then my parents do not have pretty daughters at all. it sucks u noe, coz my parents are really great ppl. anyone who knows them will feel they're good parents, not just in their characters, personalities, work attitudes, or the way they brought up their children. I do not expect any more from them than what I already have.

there are times when i wish i was more feminine.. but circumstances do not allow me to. my parents are getting old. the house needs more than just 1 man in the house. my father will not be able to handle everything on his own. in fact, years back, had i been more girly, alot of things to be done in the house would not be accomplished..

Just like last night, i had to move my printer to hall, together with my laptop, notes, clothes and my bathing stuff. 3 big bags in hall. Yet I brought all to all, alone, by bus. Or rather, 3 buses. My dad apologised again for not having a car so he may send me to school. But i'm ok with that. It just extended my limits again. Just another day of weight training for me. =)

not going for lect today. ntu's 50th anniversary n i only have ee2008 lect which is really a waste of my time. haha. oh yah. i finally found the pantry in my hall! yippie!

For the 1st time, (in years i believe), i fell asleep b4 9pm. it was ard 8.30 if i not wrong. fell asleep watching CSI. Haha.. same effect that forensic science lectures have on me. maybe i'm not that interested in forensic stuff after all.. haha...

so now i'm awake and blogging. woke up at 4am. watched a couple of episodes of shaman king(finally..). Yoh & Anna are getting kinda sweet if u ask me.. always loved walk in e parks.. talking... den my friend would buy me a drink... den i'll feel very very blessed...
wish i could do it w/ u some day... den again u'll never be ard for me anymore...

anyway... was supposed to b doing my lab report but cant seem to get started. later gotta go market den go sadeaf coz e new volunteers got dccl course. wonder if i shld bring my lappie.

recently been quite troubled by cor. turns out dat my plans wont be executed after all. not that i'm seriously affected or depressed or anything. coz if i am i'll become who i fear james will b. so i will not let dat happen. yup i'm ok. juz that coz there are plans to go beyond m'sia.. so maybe i'm not gonna b as good a programmer as i hope to be after all... haai...

itz nice n cool n windy 2nite... best of all, i'm home! at long last...

home is sweet.. i love home.. i dread being alone this month.. it was terrifying last nite.. didn't know whether to close the door or open it. in e end i even fell asleep at my desk wif the door wide open. it wasn't until 5am did i get myself really tired enough to concuss immediately after i closed the door and laid down in bed.

i always wonder why i get so frickin' affected by these things.. why my imagination runs wild so easily.. a friend told me that actually we shld really be more afraid of people than those stuff.. i mean.. he does make alot of sense but some things are not within my control no matter how hard i try.. and trust me, year after year after year i try and i fail...

back to school... din wake up until 11+ am so yah as expected i missed both my morning lectures. at least i got enough sleep. tried to do my maths but couldn't get it. met von for lunch. den went for tut. 2 hrs i spent studying my jap. after dat was 4hrs of jap tutorial. i tink this 4 hrs kinda bonded us. for the 1st time, we actually talked abit more, said hi to one another n stuff. after tutorial, i tink it was coincidental but still funny, that more than 1/2 the class arrived at Can A's Macs from different directions to buy take aways. hahaa... somemore today's lesson so hard loh...

now back at home liao finally.. can eat my sis' ai xin cheese cake. haha.. really very nice my sis really very lihai but den again she grow up liao can dun praise n care about her so much le. =)

on e other hand... my mother ah getting old liao tink she abit retarded liao her wounds not recovering yet she still so cheerful. seriously ah.. i nearly cried infront of her just now coz the wounds are just not frickin' recovering. i really hate staying in hostel coz i can't help her from so far away. the last time i washed her wounds for her they still didn't look this bad. i dunno is she never take care or is the infection getting worse or is she hiding something from me or issit because when i wash i dun wash properly or what i really dunno. but it just fuckin' pisses me off to see that she's not getting better at all...

mother ah can u please please please take care otherwise i'll juz be wasting daddy's money to pay for a hall that i have no heart to stay in...

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF LAH U DUMB WOMAN!

and to everyone else who stumbles upon this entry, please take care of urself k. i dun wanna see so many of my friends sick arh...

heyo. now is super early in e morning... but still kinda wide awake.. coz juz now drink kopi...

why drink kopi leh... coz juz now at sbs block dere study wif ah hai n zz. den we buy hot drink..coz they cold.. hahaa... i wear sleeveless i oso not dat cold loh... hahaa... =P

anyway they super funny... tink i go i only did 1/2 a maths question... (which is why i'm still up now struggling to finish my maths..).. haha den we went to eat supper... climbed the gate to overhead bridge... hahaa... super fun... another memory to add to my journal of after midnite adventures... hahaa...

den zz walk me back to hall coz i dan xiao... haai. thanks so so so so so much arh... if not for u i tink i juz stand there n cry liao arh...

oh yah... got one more person kpo-ing my blog liao.. hahaa...

k lah better start work.. the sooner i start work the sooner i get tired den will go zz... tink i 2mr will miss lect again liao..

i'm typing this in my room, in hall. class has ended early for today. as usual i missed the ending coz i fell asleep but it was one interesting lect while it lasted. =)
Forensic science, i probby wouldn't score well in this, but it was an interesting module to take.

I nearly beat up a frickin' indian on the bus on e way to sch today. dun ask why coz i'm still fuming. but i'll remember his face, after glaring at him for a good 10 secs. advantage of being ugly is that when u glare u look really fierce. hahaa. sorry my dear deuter coz i used it, with the intention of hitting him but apparently i only managed to brush his specs off his face. what a bastard.

which led me to realise how old my deuter bag is, and that the zip comes open really easily.

the irony of it all was dat my knife fell onto the man's seat. and luckily he returned it to me. still if i shld see him again i make sure i tear out his fingernails and slice the flesh off his fingers.

on the other hand... maybe i shld mention that i'm gonna get my Greenday CD~! haha.. or so i hope coz a fren was asking me and he doesn't seem the kind who would juz ask for fun...

but if any of u wanna get me cds too u can consider Def Leppard. The grey one with red n yellow words. But only get it if u can buy it at $18 ok...

Some tots...
yesterday i met up wif the lady who gave me my 12 stitches on my left eyebrow last yr. and her bf. and we talked quite a bit. seems like the old generation of capoeiristas (me included) have more or less left class.. hmm... if i can find the time i'll go back to look look see see.. but i dun tink i'll be able to join back.. maybe we'll meet up someday and jogo capoeira.. roda a lil' yeah...
it was nice to see them again though...

take care all.. i've been sneezing alot lately.. dun miss me too much k. =P

i'm just going to blog and go to sleep. heck my hw. so fricking tired dunno why when i haven't done anything but stone n walk ard n watch tv.

anyway i'm back home again. tried to print notes but frickin' pdf doesn't give me the right pages so i oredi wasted lotsa ink n paper. arghhhhh...i give up. *digs nails into own flesh*

for the record, i skipped physics tut again, not caring whether there was a test or not. yet I attended a maths make-up tutorial which only 4 ppl(including me) attended. Wahahaaa so proud of myself...

Was looking at a friend today. We met after lesson and had dinner together. I think he lost weight. He was sick for some time so I guess it affected him too. haai i tink i caused him to work too hard le... anyway he lost weight...
which led me to realise how many of my friends e ppl i noe lost weight. Haai so poor thing... everyone seems so busy... everyone's losing weight...

da jia must take care hor...

i so wanna thank 5566 for hao2 jiu3 bu jian4. it's such a happy song. and i feel weird if i dun listen to it at least once a day...

wish i didn't stay hall now... saw my old roomie on e bus... kinda miss her... i wanna stay at home.. or at least till my mother fully recovers..

i have officially moved into hall. still no pillow though. n printer.

mass sign has finally come to a close... =) super happy. glad that i've gotten to know Dawn in the process. hope can help me in my upcoming yr in rsphi. also glad i got to know many others too..pet n zach, eve, yh, angie, ch, zz, lynn & sharrel. learnt alot from this. realised alot too. the cold hard truth. it was a great experience nonetheless. =)

can finally delete the hundred over mass sign related emails sent to me over e past 1/2 yr...

the following pics are coutesy of kawei...









the leaning tower of Cafe Cartel









the cake's camera shy...

yup fotos of the nice blueberry cheesecake at cafe cartel. carbonara cooked by jeff got eaten b4 we could foto it. haai wat a waste...

zzz...

I really really really can't wait for 7th month to be over... becoming a real scaredy cat these days...

had a nightmare last night. started with a meeting with COR ppl. then conclusion of the meeting was that they'd go to kinabalu again and that we didn't need the programme directors anymore. I was so freaking scared and angry in the nightmare...

(Is COR stressing me out too? I'm only a puny little programme director leh...)

den dreamt abt the scary part...
aaahhh......
dun like dun like dun like...

was so scared i ran to my aunt's room to sleep... but was still too spooked to go back to bed... only after very long den i slept another hour den wake up go market wif daddy.

k tuition today was quite funny. 1st time i take the notorious kid. at 1st i tot it will be hard but actually he's quite easy to teach coz he's really smart for a 9 yr old. he's just very very very playful.

time to do work...

Today actually not a bad day de. It was union day. School's off from 11.30 to 3.30. And I have lessons at 9.30-11.30 which i did not attend. After which i waited till 5.30pm for jap. Nth to do mah.. so went wsc voting booth to help out... and nice jason let me stay there and help out.. so yeah dat was basically how i spent my day today...

running ard voting ppl...

and den mending the table at the voting booth...

and then i saw a familiar face...
i couldn't remember if he was a friend or an enemy...
i just knew i saw him b4... and i tink he kind of remembered me...
everytime he walked by i wondered if he was a friend...
i couldn't remember his name...

luckily i didn't call out to him. Nor did he come to the booth to vote.
i remember him now.
he was part of the group of ppl who used to bully me in sec sch. the group of them that went to tj. the group of ppl whom i will never forgive in this life. the group of ppl i tried so hard to forget.

i remember his name too.

i hope i dun see the rest of them in school.

i'm not filled with fear now. i'm filled with vengence.
pls dun let me see them anymore. i won't know what i'll do.

that aside.. did anyone look at the sky at around 7.30pm today? there was a beautiful rainbow today... the entire sky was a rainbow... red at the horizon, then orange, yellow, green (can u believe it?! there was green in the sky!!), sky blue, and then the darker blue... there were the stars too... it was the 3rd time i saw skies like this.. 1st time in tioman.. 2nd time i cant remember where... and this is probably much ncier than my 2nd time.. but coz this is a sunset... its juz so pretty...

wish there was a way to stop my hands from trembling..

Despite how much it freaks me to know how easy it is for my blog to appear via search engine... i'm still gonna continue blogging...

D-Day is coming... the Dreaded day of the entire year is coming... in 2 weeks time...

I hate celebrating my birthday. ever since sec 2, i feel the same yr after yr after yr... and especially these few yrs since family became more impt than my friends and birthday celebrations somehow lost its meaning... i type this yr after yr after yr...

please forget my birthday. please pretend u missed it. there are others who appreciate celebrations more than me.

still.. i had a great birthday last yr. this yr.. i'm not expecting anything..

came up with a wish list though.. hahaa...

1) I hope my daddy remembers the time i told him i wanted a new set of files coz a few of my files broke den alot of the small holes cant be filed as nicely le. he said nearby got this shop sells them at $2++.. I only wish dat from him for my bday.

2) of course, if he's still buying me my fridge i'd gladly accept too...

3) Green Day's American Idiot album or Huang Yi Da's latest album..the one with the compilations..

hmm.. shall not b too greedy.. this shall be all..

Den I oso want my mother to recover soon. For my daddy to get the assholes in his workplace crawling out of Regent Motors. For my auntie to be free. For Auntie Dwi to be happy with us. For my lil sis to be truly loved and not by me.

And I wanna be a good ch. I wan my fellow ch to rest n recover. I wan my seniors to be cooperative and bring kallang to greater heights. I wan kallang events to run smoothly and develop potentials among the new volunteers.

I wan COR to be good.

I wanna go trekking. I wanna jog. I wanna learn to cook too.

I wanna study hard. I wanna enjoy what I study.

I wanna be sad, relaxed, and at peace with myself.

I dun wanna be so happy all the time. I wanna be sad more so if I should get angry I will not suffer a relapse so easily. I dun wanna inflict self-pain anymore... i dun wanna tear at my scars anymore... I dun wanna feel relief only when I bleed...

kk back to the prezzies...

Aaah... whatever could go wrong went wrong today...

1) Was supposed to wake up early to continue making cor prezzies. or pack my stuff. move into hall. in e end.. woke up late... grr.. sleeping more than 8 hours a night really gets on my nerves..

2) Realised my internet connection's still down... spent a super long time trying to send the cor mail but couldn't. got so pissed i could've crushed my fingers...nearly got my mother really upset..

3) Was late for data & algorithms lect in e end. but this one... could be a good thing...

4) after i got off my 1st bus, usually i'll take either 157 or 174.. this time i saw 157 and i din board coz usually 174 would come shortly after... but it didn't come until quite some time passed... =_=

5) Went to my hall 1st instead coz the 199 bus came n not much ppl. But... got lost again while on the way out.. dammit sia 3rd time in hall liao still cant find my way out...

6) met L for lunch. bought lunch. couldn't find my seat! was walking around with my tray den finally found my place think i look really dumb...

7) listen to L talk about the latest singaporean horror movie. now i'm kinda spooked.

8) fell asleep during signals lect. gah... wats new.

9) went to take 179 after 2 lects. 2 buses went by without stopping. when i decided to walk to 242 bus stop.. 3 179 buses came... quite empty ones at that...

10) I'm home... and the net's still not working.. and i haven't done any work... called the new volunteers for hi.. 1st one i called didn't reply, 2nd one i called couldn't join us liao coz of her own commitments.. 3rd one i called was supposed to be someone i know but he initially couldn't remember me... ah so sianz...

k juz finished pizza n mug. after that night of 6 glasses of whiskey soda... getting quite gian for more whiskey... hahaa...

busy busy busy... the dreaded tuesday is fast approaching...

internet super kns sia... anyway.. today is a not too bad day...

COR dinner at Marche.. nice nice... got cert.. got cd wif cor fotos n a super nice video!~

After dat the main comm had meeting.. so e instructors us tok cok abt until the guys n youwen started their own conversation... den more left... and me, kawei n jeff hung ard... until jeff needed to go work liao...

then comes the fun part... jeff 2day last day as part-time cook at cartel.. so me n kawei decided to go peng3 ta1 de chang3... nice leh... shall not question whether is he cook de but yah... too bad got no foto of the cabonara.. coz haha greedy me see the food den eat liao.. ah oops...

but kawei took foto of wat's left of the cheese cake n tiramisu dat we ate too...

will load the pics once i get them...

jeff is deep thinker man...

n kawei's really funny once u get to know her... hahaa she laff super cute sia...

nice day.

Yeah I didn't get drunk yesterday!
And I didn't puke too...
Hope no hangover.

Stomach's been tossing like a washing machine though... hahaa... ulgh... hahaa... siao liao...

today I go market kena mistaken for filipino maid again... gagaaa...

Yesterday's jap lesson was hilarious...
We were learning how to ask how much something costs.. and how to reply...
So my sensei was asking this girl how much her watch costs. And she said $8.
Den my sensei said his watch... cost $5. I mean... we all looked kinda stunned coz my sensei always comes in a suit and bow tie so we thought his watch would be really expensive. Then he showed us, hanging at his pants covered by his suit, was a DORAEMON HANGING WATCH!
Omigod that's like so cute larh!! I tink my sis will love him to bits sia.. hahahaaa...

muahahahaa... dun waste time liao... bubbye...

To prove i'm not drunk at this point of time... I shall attempt to type something... it looks correct now.. dunno if when i sober on another day, it will look the same as now not...

juz now went pubbing wif daddy. he supposed to follow me home.. but 1 glass after another... end up downing 5-6 glasses of whiskey soda. my daddy drink alot. he walk home kept losing balance. but at least he threw up when he reach home... lidat den i not so worried for him...

sorry ah j if u scared i cannot handle...

anyway... today quite sad ah.. coz my cutie extremely good maths tutor change liao. now is some sian za bor who cant pronounce 'exponential' correctly. I was looking at my newly bought maths txtbk and realised that it doesn't help much and that my maths tutor will b sufficient. seems like i will b needing my maths txt liao...

k.. hope this looks the same tomorrow as when I am typing it now...
too long never drink so much liao... abit not confident of my jiu3 liang4..

i tink i'm starting to prove myself as a really lousy leader... i couldnt pick the good ones from the bad ones during the interviews today...

ah j ah... dun do all the work liao lah.. let me do some leh...

mass sign is coming to a close... in 2 wks time would be e final debrief followed by appreciation tea. luckily they invited log helpers.. otherwise i would really be pissed to the bone... though i would really much like to have them over at my place for food n drinks instead...

wonder if they mind both?

quite happy 2nite... hope it stays this way... may cor work out great... for cor'06 chair n vice. and the rest of the comm.

i seriously need to buck up on my sign language.

I got hall liao.. hall 15...
haai my roomie like very neat... like really pretty n sporty...
hai.
i was getting really comfy at home.. dun really feel like moving in...

on e other hand.. i watched Initial D today... and i drank carrot juice. carrot juice actually taste really nice... and i got a whole load of anime to watch..hahaa... plus half a box of m'sia treats.
thanks to u~

hahaa... i really cannot trust my sense of direction man...

lalaa lotsa work to do...

wat an experience i juz had...

though i now like abit cannot walk properly, hopefully by 2mr morning my joints click back into place liao den can walk properly le.

mass signing over liao. though i still not very close to the comm, i really quite happy dat i take part in this. and that i had help from rsphi. and tl's friends. and pet's helpers. they really very nice. never expected myself to be treated so well by them...

from the back, i see the group of them, so happy to see the fireworks, i more touched than seeing mass sign finally coming to a close. kallang ah kallang... i really grateful beyond words liao...

Everybody... all my SK Warriors... thank you so very very much...
every single stand, u all are excellent...
esp to g and j who helped out all the way to the very very end...
thanks so much...
rest well k all of u...

curse ntu for not giving us a holiday...hahaa

i hope not many in mass sign find this blog. otherwise i'll b in deep shit.

with every single one of my log helpers falling sick, getting injured, busy with school, it sucks to know that all of them will be suffering 2mr helping with logistics. Really. Stab me with a knife anytime. I'll bear with the pain. I'd rather be stabbed than see so many people I know, whom I asked for help, suffering coz they offered to help me.

haai...

this will only show what a screw up i truly am.

to jeff : being able to make it up Mt K in t-shirt & shorts doesn't mean I'll make a good chair or vice-chair. I really hope you'll help the next chair & vice-chair, even though I'm neither of them. thanks for believing in me. u've been really nice and great. really appreciate you.

last night i had a dream. it wasn't really scary. but it made me realise something coz i was thinking about the dream the whole time today. I dreamt that i couldn't walk properly. dreamt dat the joints in my right leg came loose or something. couldn't support myself properly. what got me thinking was because it happens in real life sometimes. I would wake up and realise my leg joints are loose so i lose my balance at my first few steps. But after awhile when my joints fall back in place i can walk perfectly well again. In my dream... i couldn't get my joints back in place...

I used to think my joint problem is common. I thought everyone's joints are the same. It's not like I can bend my fingers backwards or something.
But...
If I were to lose my hands, then I can't use sign language anymore.
If I were to lose my legs, then I can't go trekking anymore.

watever...

i tink my tongue's getting kinda acid these days. I'm shooting my mouth off at the nice people around me. g, j, kp, hh...

to me : shut up bitch or I'll bite ur tongue off.

i really hate myself these days. becoming the monster i was back in sec sch. yup. i hated my sec sch. ppl get quite puzzled when i say that coz i supposedly come from a good sec school. and i always say that the ppl in there have terrible attitude. but all they ever did was backstab and judge ppl by appearance. if i weren't the jerk i was in sec sch, i probby wouldnt have been treated the way i was. so yah, i was the jerk.

yup really hate myself. i need my long jog. after mass sign. i'll find time for it...

-edit- i type finish den realise this post so long... din noe so many things going on inside my head today.. poor mind... and it doesn't even gets paid... -edit-

Hehe my blog now got new "patron"... haha ... must be prepared for more vulgarities wor... i type more than just cheebye in here. hahahahaa. I go..

KaNiNaBeIcHaoChEebYe!!!

hahahaa... got capital & small letters somemore...
MS actually not really that bad. I just dun like the shit that the rest of the comm has to face. And I just don't like to see my friends working so hard for logistics and then still not get appreciated. Worse still, they get scolded for the wrongs that they did not, and i repeat, DID NOT commit. It freaking pisses me off.

but my ex- sign lang classmates are so really sweet. Esp D. he keeps msging us to jiayou. he even called me during e rehearsal say the old class wanna take foto. how sweet is dat! dat's one of e reasons why i like going to stand 6. and coz the group of them were in the first few rows i could talk to them.. and feel quite cheered and less stressed...

I had thought today would be a bad day. I walk into the room and see lotsa ppl from XXX and yah sianz den later still drop the swivel table. I could've punched my middle finger into the wall. Almost kena relapse again. luckily no sharp object near me and most of my open wounds heal oredi...

After that quite alrite lah... tuition over den 4 of us went for dinner... quite a happy dinner though i felt like a silly duck, acting like a kid...

***

I din noe how to start this. But well, I've made lots of wrong decisions in life. Many opportunities I've let slipped because of my low self-confidence. Alot of rash choices dat I wish I didn't choose. And there were the few positions (very very few positions) I took up thinking I could handle but failed in the end. Yes I screwed up.
-deleted-
thanx to everyone in cor who believed in me... sorry i let u all down le.

***

wah today alot of things to type leh...
just thought I'd note this down. coz juz now on the bus, saw this indian man wif one leg, he hopped onto the bus. he was in some old dirty clothes, hair quite grey n unkempt, naturally give ppl impression dat he not clean. then the moment he sat down he started mumbling to himself. every now and then he would exclaim abit. the lady who initially sat beside him got up immediately. after a few stops, he got off. hopped a little den he sat down beside a man (the bus haven't moved yet so I was still looking at him). The man immediately got up, looking quite disgusted.
I wonder if my response would be e same if the indian man sat next to me. would I keep staring at him? would I be scared of him? would he have been this ostracized if he were chinese?
what if I was him? I dunno if he knows what he's thinking, but to come out in the public like this takes a hell lot of strength and courage. and patience as well. And it's tall and skinny, not ur average strong fit can-run-very-fast indian.
I dunno why lah meet person like him. Somemore on e bus only I looking at him coz i look around the bus, everyone looking elsewhere but at him loh. but really lah... such ppl puts me in deep thoughts.

wat a distraction. sets me off my normal path.

***

havent finish yet. paiseh leh. can stop here den continue another day bah. this para about my mother. this morning go market with my daddy. dunno go how many times liao, think 3 times since my mother had her operation. actually everytime I can go market for her, i feel very happy de. I really like to go market. but the main reason is coz everyone in the market knows my mother. so go market really quite fun for me. somemore coz i more cheerful these days, not that dull serious girl anymore, easier to mix around with the aunties. make mistakes oso wont feel so paiseh. haha. that's why everytime i hear my sis complain about having to go market i get very angry. and if my daddy also go market sleepy, i will also be very angry.
my mother really put in alot for this family. if we can't even go market for her, we not fit to be her children, her family.
I a few days never wash her wounds for her. past few days my daddy wash for her. today I wash for her. i see her wounds my heart really wanna cry. Wash once a day only really not enough loh. Somemore she still does the cooking. her wounds can get infected so easily loh. wish I dun hafta sleep den I can be awake in the morning to wash her wounds a 2nd time. then maybe it'll heal faster. my mother never complain anything pain one loh. dat time her hand kena cut by glass then bleeding she still run around getting things settled b4 she guai guai go hospital get 3 stitches loh. So painful oso never complain pain. Her leg got problem, hand got problem, sick oso never complain. At night never sleep coz take care of my aunt, by right not supposed to carry heavy things but she still help support my aunt, she lidat oso never complain. Just now I wash her wounds I see her bear with the pain, hear her say pain, I really cannot imagine how much pain she going through loh... aaaahhhh...
i so lucky to have such a loving father. even more lucky to have such a strong mother. Everybardee jia you k! I love u both!!!

yeah finally finish le...

dunno if will rain 2nite... my inbuilt weather forecast quite accurate lately...

I could start loving my fridays.

I thought my friday's timetable sux. 9.30am 1st lecture of the day. After 2 lectures there's a 3 hours break then maths tutorial den 2 hours break den my 2 hours of jap tutorial. My lessons for the day ends at 7.30pm. On a Friday.

But today went perfectly well. After lessons, I headed off to lwn to study. Managed to solve most of my maths tutorial questions(actually is only 2 out of 4 but considering I couldn't or didn't bother to understand my lect, i tot i still did quite alrite), bought myself lunch, went to the tables outside ny audi, finished up my maths tutorial and had 1/2 hr of nap b4 going off for maths tutorial.

And my maths tutor's really good! I could understand the whole concept behind fourier series. And he only took 1/2 hr to go through all the questions and explain the theories! And we had an extra 1/2 break. Haha. Not forgetting he's young and cute and still a student actually. Hahaa... Got motivation to complete my maths tutorials b4 going for class le.

After that did my jap hw, studied my jap, slept for 1/2 hour again, den had a nice slow dinner b4 getting myself a drink while walking to class.

and jap class' quite an entertainment.

i hope my other fridays are like this too...

It freaking hurts to know that I've wasted thousands of dollars of my dad's money on something that I have no more time and passion for.

Capoeira.

I look into my wardrobe and I see my camisas and abadas. I walk out of my room and I pass by my corda verde crua which took me loads of effort, not forgetting costing me my time, my blood, the 12 stitches across my left eyebrow, the mental and physical struggles. This green and white rope was what the group of us, worked so hard for. the memories, with simpatia, lua, saracura, manhose, mirage, sarara... still got who... den there was mulata... haai...

6 months have I strayed away from capoeira. I have not seen anyone from class nor contacted anyone. Simpatia & Madeira De Lei called a couple of times inviting me down for Taka roda. Cegonha msged once. Saw one of e then newer guys during ATC. Dat's it.

I dun wanna show my face to Mestre anymore. I dunno how I'm gonna continue... I'm going to have to start from scratch... aaah... i dun wannnnnnn...

Haai... till then... maybe someone can sell me tix to this yr's batizado. Then I'll just go watch...

For now... RSPHI is my Number 1 priority. Then MS, then my studies, den is kallang tuition centre, hopefully got COR & YEP.

Oh man... i need to work harder.

THANKS A MILLION TO ALL MY LOGISTICS OFFICERS WHO HELPED ME DOWN AT MARINA SOUTH ON 30 AUG. SORRY FOR HAVING TO BEAR THE SHIT FROM EVERYONE ELSE. I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL TO ALL 21 OF YOU FROM KALLANG, CLEMENTI & FARRAGO. YOU GUYS & GALS ARE THE GREATEST!!

Violet enjoy yourself in Redang! though u shld b back by now...
Huimin u take care too... hope to cya around more! =)
Angeline... my dear friend i dunno if u still come here but I wish you well from far far away. You have never been forgotten & you will always have my support for anything and everything that you want to achieve!

take care everybardee...